javaink: (i can't explain)
the second half of that title is only relevant in this way: I want to read Chaucer. I need to read Chaucer. I've heard Chaucer is difficult, but lately in my classes and some circles of friends literature has come up and the flow and transformation of languages and Chaucer was one of the ones mentioned. Old English is Beowulf (hardly readable), Chaucer is Middle (kind of readable, difficult), & Shakespeare is Modern English (not our type of modern, but modern as in it's still readable, easily readable to us). I've had a copy of the Cantaberry Tales sitting on my bookshelf at home for a good year or two, and I've only opened it once. But now I want to and now I'm at university. On that note, I want to reread Onegin. Dammit I love Onegin. And I'll be reading Gogol's The Nose pretty soon! I think I just miss having a literature class. They killed me with their papers, but I loved the literature. This semester I opted out on having a lit class because last semester I had two at the same time, and that was nearly a nightmare. Bad, but could've been worse. I wanted a break, so no lit classes this semester. It was probably for the best, but sometimes this semester feels stale. Right now I have four books stacked next to my bed, and I can barely open one. I crawl into bed and I can't read. Last night, I started too, but not for long. It was already 1 AM, and I couldn't force myself to keep reading. It was a borrowed book, Cyrano de Bergerac, and I'm only on Sc. 2! Oh well.
I have some fanfiction that I'm thinking of posting soon. One tiny little drabble, but I think I have a little inspiration to give it a little more life, one more scene. I had planned to expand this drabble, but it was based on an early episode of Inuyasha that I had not finished - I watched half the episode, inspiration struck, I wrote down my draft for the fic, then watched the rest of the episode and realized that my idea was MAJORLY NOT A THING THAT WOULD BE CANON. But I was able to sit down and write the opening scene, and it needs work, but I won't touch it because I actually like it, even if it does seem like one of those pretentious fics. I can't describe it, but it feels out of place and . . . melodramatic. Oh well. MAYBE I will post it. I'm indecisive and forgetful.

---
Today I was hit with a giant wave of nostalgia and loss. Not the physical loss, but- do you ever think of who you could have been, if you had the resources and time and patience and diligence and etc., who you could be, right at this moment, if things had gone differently? I'm assuming there's a resounding yes to that question. It's regret, but not regret you could exactly control, just regret that you couldn't go through with who you wanted to be because you had no control. So not a loss of life or someone dear, but a loss of who you dreamed to be?
Lately, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, before my Russian class at 3, after lunch at 12, I go up to the university library, the fourth floor, to this room that I can usually count on to be open. Our university library is kind of like two merged libraries, and this half of the library you can only access on the fourth floor and all the open study rooms have chalk boards, not dry erase boards like the fancier, upgraded other half. I love this room, room 400. I love how smooth the board is, how the table isn't too wide, how mainly the room is open after 1 and I can sneak in and use it. No one rents the room, so I'm never kicked out. At least, not yet anyway. And since it's a chalkboard, the chalk is provided, and since it's in the library, there's usually fresh chalk or at least pieces that are long enough to hold onto, not little nubs. I go in here and study my Russian before class, fill the board with vocab terms I need to practice and cram. If I need to practice saying sentences out loud, I write some of the key terms on the board and have enough room to pace around, saying them over and over again. I get dizzy sometimes, but it works.
So I'm writing the terms on this board, and the board is so smooth, and I look down at my hands at some point, notice the chalk dusted on them, and I think "Ha, I think my personal aesthetic is now chalk and chalkboards." I used to hate chalkboards, but now I love writing on them. Instantly it was like a punch to the gut once I thought it- or no, like a sudden tug in my stomach. "My aesthetic" refers to how on Tumblr, on the fandom side, you can constantly come across "aesthetic posts" for some character or show or movie, and it'll be abstract images of half faces, clothes, objects, whatever that match the subject. They're usually quite pretty, the ones that are spread around. So I was thinking of my own "aesthetic post," or "mood board" is what they're actually called. One of my pictures would be of chalk. And as previously mentioned, that thought hurt.
I used to be a gymnast when I was little. I loved it. I loved tumbling, the pit, kind of the vault, rarely the beam, and my dad loves to tell how fast I'd climb the rope, a three inch thick rope (or more in my memory! but then back then I had such small hands) hanging from the two storied ceiling. They'd have us climb up and down those ropes, and we'd be careful not to get rope burns but sometimes you couldn't help it, coming down with small burns on the insides of our feet's arches and hands' corners. We'd race up and down them, proud to reach the orange tagged top and to climb back down, counting the knots as we went.
The bars were one of my favorite things, and I always was excited to go on them, but as time went on, we rarely approached them. But I remember bathing my hands in the chalk bowls, getting ready for them & then us trying to avoid being scolded for putting too much on. I remember watching the older girls (the true athletes! the ones i'd look up to, so strong and swift and serious) snap from bar to bar and wanting to do the same. Instead, we went to the beams more, used the chalk for that - though my memory might be fuzzy here, I can't remember if chalk is used for that.
And then, I made a friend! One that I might continue to see each week on Thursdays. And then, that same day,I stood at the counter with my mom as she unregistered me from the program. A two week break, she called it. I understood we needed to save money right now, just for a while. And then I never went back to gymnastics. Every time I watch gymnastics, like at the Olympics, I feel a little pang, engulfed in nostalgia and regret.
I wish I had stayed with gymnastics, even if all it would be was an intensive hobby, but I know that wasn't possible.
javaink: (what am i doing with my life)
AS IN WHY AM I LIKE THIS -
(so i think with last [private] entry's post, this is definitely going to be a half-journal thing)
can i just say that i love Fun.? even when i grow uncomfortable if i pay attention to that one song because it feel sacrilegious. it's just so GOOD but sacrilegious wow. anyway, i'm blasting (kinda? i turned it down a bit to focus better but still loud enough i can hear the singing while i too sing loudly) Aim and Ignite while i'm going through these submissions for my uni's literary journal. oh i love being a slush reader. i also HATE IT. but it's fun and feels so official! yes, that small thing does give me joy. too bad i'm not paid for this, but hey, school internship, whaddya expect. nothing. expect nothing good, and then get pleasantly surprised by good things! that show up! finally! anyway, so i'm doing that. i have eight more to go through before they're due by 6 P.M. tomorrow, but i'll be traveling back home (!) by then, since 12, SO I GOTTA FINISH TONIGHT. And pack. and do homework for the classes i AM going to tomorrow.

today i had a 16-24 lined Blank Verse due, and i got it done 15 minutes before class! i woke up at 7 to finish it! i had gotten about 10 lines done the night before? it's a little crappy, but i'm a little proud of it? i liked the start but then i got into this ice-skating analogy and it feels like it fell apart. but i liked my finish, i wrote that part last night, even though it's not particularly strong. i'm just proud i had an ending i liked. i don't like the title tooooo much but it fit so i did it. "Polyglot Wannabe". i tried writing about that awful feeling of being surrounded by a foreign language - like being in another country - that you thought you might have studied enough but your listening comprehension is APPARENTLY CRAP. you know . . . with that description, i feel like my poem could've been 100% more funny/self-deprecating but instead it takes itself a little too serious. not too too serious just not nervously funny as it could be. maybe i'll try again.
but last night i got nowhere near done with my Russian Culture reading (about folk music at this point). i thought i could? i was awake while writing my poem, felt my creative energies shut down, and said to myself "okayyy now it's time to read, i can definitely stay up and finish it i am v determined look how awake i am now." i got out my book and started falling asleep three pages in. welp. so i put that away and went to sleep. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. i also needed to finish my Russian homework that's due Friday but i needed to turn it in TODAY because i won't be able to make class on Friday. my Russian teacher is my same teacher for Russian Culture, so he said to just hand it in to him on Thursday's class. no big deal. i also ALSO had to turn in our video script for Russian on that same day. the script has to fill at least two minutes, and i hope i did that? but after intro to poetry, i only have about two hours and twenty minutes till RussCulture? that's not bad for my Russian assignments, i got those done just in time! right at one! i was shaking from the coffee and nerves, though i was v calm. (also, on another note, i think i'm started to see the appeal of being attracted to guy's who are the same height as you? and i'm 5'1 so- whatever, moving on). but yeah, i had twenty pages to read for RussCulture and each of those pages were two pages on them, small text? not happening. so it didn't happen. but i got through class! that's the good thing about the class, you can get through it if you didn't finish the reading.
BUT I WAS SO DETERMINED TO GET THAT READING DONE LAST NIGHT. I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED I COULDN'T STAY AWAKE FOR IT.
so yeah. why am i like this, procrastinating so bad that i'm crammed for time? i didn't start homework till ten last night! WHY AM I LIKE THIS.

but now that's all done. i just have to do my stuff for tonight, and right now i am pretty chill. i ate my breakfast sandwich thirty minutes ago that i five hours ago. i'm still working on my coffee because i figured i should save a little for slush-reading. and look at that! i did!
okay Barlights by Fun. came on, my fave by them, so bye now.
javaink: (hello.)
Wow, I've had this account for a year and nothing has come of it. Wow.
No, really, I do want to do something with it, but what? Okay. Okay.
Thoughts -
1. diary (who would want to hear about me? maybe just short accounts of how i feel/blah?)
2. rants/reviews on things i've read
3. music talk except that wouldn't do it'd just be a lot of "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
4. i really like literary rants
5. some fics i've written except that's not many and none of them get anywhere. they're just chunks of things i probably won't finish?
6. tv show/movie/media rants/feelings, though that wouldn't be many
7. some fiction/non-fiction i've written that i won't ever feel like publishing? or maybe some poems?
8. some sims stuff? i play ts2, 4, and now 1.

I should probably read around on different journals, get a feel for the different types, and go from there, see what I want to become.
I got a tumblr and I'm on that a lot, but I still really like this place, even though I'm new, and I like how - intimate it feels? You have to search to find people and even then - you might not see everything. It's all reading, not just visuals, and it takes time. I like something like that.
Okay, well I'm off to be productive. My letter to one of my best friends is three (3!) weeks late and I have a test tomorrow. До свидания!
javaink: (Default)
I found out a week ago that there's a musical based on Alexander Hamilton. HAMILTON. I was/am ecstatic when I found out, but I was writing a paper when that happened and I couldn't watch it. Two days after that I had ANOTHER [crappy] paper to write.
GUESS WHAT.
NO MORE PAPERS TO WRITE (currently). (it is midterms though)
I will watch it soon IM SO EXCITED.
BECAUSE I LOVE HAMILTON I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN.
(i could, but i won't? it's difficult?)
But first I have to finish Starkid's "ANI" parody musical, then I'm all Hammy's.

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javaink

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