javaink: (wow)
well today's been shit.

- - -
it kinda occured to me that our now 45th (ew)(EW) is all the bad qualities and worse history of America rolled up into one orange flake of skin. i mean, i kinda knew that all along, but the phrasing of such a sentiment hit me today.

- - -
also, a lot of people on campus - and people i KNOW - are obviously upset by this, a few cried, and who can blame them?
me, i just felt - still do actually. just a deep slow burn where my heart should be but now feels hollowed out. and it's a gentle ache of flames, like a low kindling fire, buried in my chest, and there's warmth but also a coolness. a cold anger.
a part of me didn't believe in the goodness of people, not exactly, but in the logic of people. for them to see the bigger picture. i still believe Clinton is the smart choice, but maybe i don't see the picture as clear as i need to. but at least i know droves of people - diverse crowds of people that are innocent and compassionate - wouldn't be crying, questioning their safety. i know people would be on edge whoever won, but at least with Clinton, those people pissed wouldn't question their safety. not so many.
but i forgot. the founding fathers hadn't, but i did. people and the majority: fickle and impulsive they are, watching their own skins and accidentally setting their world on fire.

- - -
p. s. im gonna miss obama's face and biden's gorgeous smile
javaink: (like no other)
i don't think i like nanowrimo.
i was a dumb, and on the 31st i impulsively made an account for nanowrimo, willingly ignoring the fact that i don't have a story planned! i have maybe a couple i could TRY to do, but none i'm feeling too cozy with? none i'm feeling inspired by?
now it's five days later and the anxiety to write and start a novel on there nibbles at the bottom of my stomach, and if i think too hard about it - which means, longer than 30 seconds - i start feeling guilty! hard-pressed to write! and i don't think that works for me, at least not now. i-
this past summer, when i was working hard on my Greek summer courses, i was thinking of doing summer camp nano. my sister was going to do it, she needed a distraction. she had read a siren book, and she was inspired to write about mermaids. me, i love sirens, and mermaids, and sirens, sirens, sirens. bird or fish kind. sirens are one of my favorite mythical creatures. so of course, when she said she wanted to do that, my mind exploded with some ideas. a small plot in mind, but not one that i couldn't flesh out, stretch out into book form. people do it all the time in ya.
needless to say, i started taking notes in a small pocket journal, but i didn't get far. again, Greek courses. INTENSE Greek courses. i needed to finish them in time for the fall semester and i had started late, so my classes were bunched up together, one on top of the other, i felt awful and stressed.
so no summer nano for me.
but that's the only one i would maybe want to do? i have an idea that stems from my sims 2 game, one of the families where there are a shit ton of alien-abduction babies and all angst and maybe i would throw in an alien invasion and resistance. but- no inspiration, not now.
and it's not helping that i left that small pocketbook at home, home which is TEXAS and i am NOT in Texas.

- - -
Ha, the mention of Texas reminds me of a thing that happened in my Short Story class today. eh, tomorrow.
(i WILL write it tomorrow, i swear, this isn't exploration, this is a happy thing, kinda)
javaink: (i can't explain)
the second half of that title is only relevant in this way: I want to read Chaucer. I need to read Chaucer. I've heard Chaucer is difficult, but lately in my classes and some circles of friends literature has come up and the flow and transformation of languages and Chaucer was one of the ones mentioned. Old English is Beowulf (hardly readable), Chaucer is Middle (kind of readable, difficult), & Shakespeare is Modern English (not our type of modern, but modern as in it's still readable, easily readable to us). I've had a copy of the Cantaberry Tales sitting on my bookshelf at home for a good year or two, and I've only opened it once. But now I want to and now I'm at university. On that note, I want to reread Onegin. Dammit I love Onegin. And I'll be reading Gogol's The Nose pretty soon! I think I just miss having a literature class. They killed me with their papers, but I loved the literature. This semester I opted out on having a lit class because last semester I had two at the same time, and that was nearly a nightmare. Bad, but could've been worse. I wanted a break, so no lit classes this semester. It was probably for the best, but sometimes this semester feels stale. Right now I have four books stacked next to my bed, and I can barely open one. I crawl into bed and I can't read. Last night, I started too, but not for long. It was already 1 AM, and I couldn't force myself to keep reading. It was a borrowed book, Cyrano de Bergerac, and I'm only on Sc. 2! Oh well.
I have some fanfiction that I'm thinking of posting soon. One tiny little drabble, but I think I have a little inspiration to give it a little more life, one more scene. I had planned to expand this drabble, but it was based on an early episode of Inuyasha that I had not finished - I watched half the episode, inspiration struck, I wrote down my draft for the fic, then watched the rest of the episode and realized that my idea was MAJORLY NOT A THING THAT WOULD BE CANON. But I was able to sit down and write the opening scene, and it needs work, but I won't touch it because I actually like it, even if it does seem like one of those pretentious fics. I can't describe it, but it feels out of place and . . . melodramatic. Oh well. MAYBE I will post it. I'm indecisive and forgetful.

---
Today I was hit with a giant wave of nostalgia and loss. Not the physical loss, but- do you ever think of who you could have been, if you had the resources and time and patience and diligence and etc., who you could be, right at this moment, if things had gone differently? I'm assuming there's a resounding yes to that question. It's regret, but not regret you could exactly control, just regret that you couldn't go through with who you wanted to be because you had no control. So not a loss of life or someone dear, but a loss of who you dreamed to be?
Lately, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, before my Russian class at 3, after lunch at 12, I go up to the university library, the fourth floor, to this room that I can usually count on to be open. Our university library is kind of like two merged libraries, and this half of the library you can only access on the fourth floor and all the open study rooms have chalk boards, not dry erase boards like the fancier, upgraded other half. I love this room, room 400. I love how smooth the board is, how the table isn't too wide, how mainly the room is open after 1 and I can sneak in and use it. No one rents the room, so I'm never kicked out. At least, not yet anyway. And since it's a chalkboard, the chalk is provided, and since it's in the library, there's usually fresh chalk or at least pieces that are long enough to hold onto, not little nubs. I go in here and study my Russian before class, fill the board with vocab terms I need to practice and cram. If I need to practice saying sentences out loud, I write some of the key terms on the board and have enough room to pace around, saying them over and over again. I get dizzy sometimes, but it works.
So I'm writing the terms on this board, and the board is so smooth, and I look down at my hands at some point, notice the chalk dusted on them, and I think "Ha, I think my personal aesthetic is now chalk and chalkboards." I used to hate chalkboards, but now I love writing on them. Instantly it was like a punch to the gut once I thought it- or no, like a sudden tug in my stomach. "My aesthetic" refers to how on Tumblr, on the fandom side, you can constantly come across "aesthetic posts" for some character or show or movie, and it'll be abstract images of half faces, clothes, objects, whatever that match the subject. They're usually quite pretty, the ones that are spread around. So I was thinking of my own "aesthetic post," or "mood board" is what they're actually called. One of my pictures would be of chalk. And as previously mentioned, that thought hurt.
I used to be a gymnast when I was little. I loved it. I loved tumbling, the pit, kind of the vault, rarely the beam, and my dad loves to tell how fast I'd climb the rope, a three inch thick rope (or more in my memory! but then back then I had such small hands) hanging from the two storied ceiling. They'd have us climb up and down those ropes, and we'd be careful not to get rope burns but sometimes you couldn't help it, coming down with small burns on the insides of our feet's arches and hands' corners. We'd race up and down them, proud to reach the orange tagged top and to climb back down, counting the knots as we went.
The bars were one of my favorite things, and I always was excited to go on them, but as time went on, we rarely approached them. But I remember bathing my hands in the chalk bowls, getting ready for them & then us trying to avoid being scolded for putting too much on. I remember watching the older girls (the true athletes! the ones i'd look up to, so strong and swift and serious) snap from bar to bar and wanting to do the same. Instead, we went to the beams more, used the chalk for that - though my memory might be fuzzy here, I can't remember if chalk is used for that.
And then, I made a friend! One that I might continue to see each week on Thursdays. And then, that same day,I stood at the counter with my mom as she unregistered me from the program. A two week break, she called it. I understood we needed to save money right now, just for a while. And then I never went back to gymnastics. Every time I watch gymnastics, like at the Olympics, I feel a little pang, engulfed in nostalgia and regret.
I wish I had stayed with gymnastics, even if all it would be was an intensive hobby, but I know that wasn't possible.
javaink: (not today satan)
ha, i was feelin like posting YESTERDAY, but i stared at the screen a good five minutes, thinking "yeeeh getting my study on" and then nothing. it's fine. now i'm kind of studying?
i'm going through some submissions for my internship, so i'm ahead of schedule! or right on schedule? you're not supposed to do them the night before they're due, so i guess for once i'm doing it right? i'm reading through them all, which is a MISTAKE but i haven't felt the need to stop reading some even if they suck, so not too much of a mistake.
for my other internship i met with my adviser, who is also the head of this internship, and we got some shit done, going through some submissions together. she showed me some of the ropes, and i just have to finish the other things she told me to do. we're in no rush though, so i don't feel too stressed about it.

today i had two language midterms and honestly i could have done better but i'm positive i passed both so that's what matters. i was stressed though, let me tell you. Greek and Russian, by the way. i've heard plenty of people say Russian is one of the hardest languages (as English speakers) but honestly Ancient Greek is kicking my ass. that's not an easy language OR class. i started with Russian last year, and Greek this year, so i'm more comfortable with Russian than Greek anyway. Russian is more personal to me, and it's probably because i started it first and my grandfather spoke it, so it has more sentimental value to me than Greek. i'm sure if i had flipped them, i'd be leaning more towards Greek. but Russian also has the plus that it'd not a dead language. it's immediately accessible to me and my life, i can express myself better, and i can better write it since i'm actually learning how to use the language, not just understand it. there is a major difference between learning dead and living languages. but then again, you can always try to teach people dead languages like you do living languages, but none of my professors in the past or present have decided to do that. i could try on my own, but already with my workload, it's too much effort. i'm also not passionate enough to do that - i mean, i love languages, but i'm not that passionate of a person, you know? i don't have that ENERGY. i don't have enough emotional energy to even write - the thing i most love doing along with reading - more than i do, so i definitely don't have the energy to study my languages more. how sad, but it is what it is, i am what i am.

my plants aren't doing so well. soon i'm going to move them to my desk because WINTER IS COMING, but in the meantime they're still on my window sill, begging for sun from my north-facing window. i'm sorry, babies. my elephant bush is shriveling, that poor thing. my one at home is fine though, so there's that! i shouldn't have split them up, but uhhhh- i need to stop regretting it. in fact, i have, i've accepted it, but then i remind myself.

my friend, my only classmate in Russian, invited me to go to Chipotle with her. she was really craving it. i've heard good and bad things about it, and honestly, i think it's one step down from Qdoba, and i'm not sure if she's tried that. she should, because it's better. way better. Chipotle doesn't even have QUESO, WHAT MONSTERS. they have guac, sure, but only because they'd have an UPRISING on their hands and they'd never sell a thing again. they don't even have the "cheese dip" or "nacho cheese" other places sell. what losers. it was an alright meal, better than my awful lunch sandwich from our uni's coffee shop, and the burrito was okay. they just had the NARROWEST of options! but then again, i've been to Qdoba and Freebirds. i told her about Freebirds, which she had never heard of, and looking it up, yep that sounds accurate because it's mainly only found in California and Texas with a few of them scattered in the Midwest. she missin out. we went to get donuts afterwards - she to cheer her boyfriend up and then me for my friend Katie who's busy studying. i got her donut holes, and maybe stole one. no. i definitely ate one. even though their hotlight wasn't on, the lady at the front immediately handed us fresh glazed donuts. so sweet. the lady and the donut! but yes, a dozen holes, and Katie wasn't at her door immediately when i knocked! i came back an hour later, and she was there! she was so glad. i told her to heat them up, wished her happy studying, and left. Katie's always really generous, so i wanted to take a page out of her book. they didn't cost much anyway.


alright, i think i'm gonna go watch some anime (either rewatch kyoukai no kanata or finish hyouka. i really need to finish hyouka. i've stopped watching anime, but i was really wanting to watch these. a little nostalgic). maybe read a few submissions. play sims. draft my short story. who knows.
g'night.
javaink: (what am i doing with my life)
AS IN WHY AM I LIKE THIS -
(so i think with last [private] entry's post, this is definitely going to be a half-journal thing)
can i just say that i love Fun.? even when i grow uncomfortable if i pay attention to that one song because it feel sacrilegious. it's just so GOOD but sacrilegious wow. anyway, i'm blasting (kinda? i turned it down a bit to focus better but still loud enough i can hear the singing while i too sing loudly) Aim and Ignite while i'm going through these submissions for my uni's literary journal. oh i love being a slush reader. i also HATE IT. but it's fun and feels so official! yes, that small thing does give me joy. too bad i'm not paid for this, but hey, school internship, whaddya expect. nothing. expect nothing good, and then get pleasantly surprised by good things! that show up! finally! anyway, so i'm doing that. i have eight more to go through before they're due by 6 P.M. tomorrow, but i'll be traveling back home (!) by then, since 12, SO I GOTTA FINISH TONIGHT. And pack. and do homework for the classes i AM going to tomorrow.

today i had a 16-24 lined Blank Verse due, and i got it done 15 minutes before class! i woke up at 7 to finish it! i had gotten about 10 lines done the night before? it's a little crappy, but i'm a little proud of it? i liked the start but then i got into this ice-skating analogy and it feels like it fell apart. but i liked my finish, i wrote that part last night, even though it's not particularly strong. i'm just proud i had an ending i liked. i don't like the title tooooo much but it fit so i did it. "Polyglot Wannabe". i tried writing about that awful feeling of being surrounded by a foreign language - like being in another country - that you thought you might have studied enough but your listening comprehension is APPARENTLY CRAP. you know . . . with that description, i feel like my poem could've been 100% more funny/self-deprecating but instead it takes itself a little too serious. not too too serious just not nervously funny as it could be. maybe i'll try again.
but last night i got nowhere near done with my Russian Culture reading (about folk music at this point). i thought i could? i was awake while writing my poem, felt my creative energies shut down, and said to myself "okayyy now it's time to read, i can definitely stay up and finish it i am v determined look how awake i am now." i got out my book and started falling asleep three pages in. welp. so i put that away and went to sleep. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. i also needed to finish my Russian homework that's due Friday but i needed to turn it in TODAY because i won't be able to make class on Friday. my Russian teacher is my same teacher for Russian Culture, so he said to just hand it in to him on Thursday's class. no big deal. i also ALSO had to turn in our video script for Russian on that same day. the script has to fill at least two minutes, and i hope i did that? but after intro to poetry, i only have about two hours and twenty minutes till RussCulture? that's not bad for my Russian assignments, i got those done just in time! right at one! i was shaking from the coffee and nerves, though i was v calm. (also, on another note, i think i'm started to see the appeal of being attracted to guy's who are the same height as you? and i'm 5'1 so- whatever, moving on). but yeah, i had twenty pages to read for RussCulture and each of those pages were two pages on them, small text? not happening. so it didn't happen. but i got through class! that's the good thing about the class, you can get through it if you didn't finish the reading.
BUT I WAS SO DETERMINED TO GET THAT READING DONE LAST NIGHT. I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED I COULDN'T STAY AWAKE FOR IT.
so yeah. why am i like this, procrastinating so bad that i'm crammed for time? i didn't start homework till ten last night! WHY AM I LIKE THIS.

but now that's all done. i just have to do my stuff for tonight, and right now i am pretty chill. i ate my breakfast sandwich thirty minutes ago that i five hours ago. i'm still working on my coffee because i figured i should save a little for slush-reading. and look at that! i did!
okay Barlights by Fun. came on, my fave by them, so bye now.
javaink: (hello.)
Wow, I've had this account for a year and nothing has come of it. Wow.
No, really, I do want to do something with it, but what? Okay. Okay.
Thoughts -
1. diary (who would want to hear about me? maybe just short accounts of how i feel/blah?)
2. rants/reviews on things i've read
3. music talk except that wouldn't do it'd just be a lot of "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
4. i really like literary rants
5. some fics i've written except that's not many and none of them get anywhere. they're just chunks of things i probably won't finish?
6. tv show/movie/media rants/feelings, though that wouldn't be many
7. some fiction/non-fiction i've written that i won't ever feel like publishing? or maybe some poems?
8. some sims stuff? i play ts2, 4, and now 1.

I should probably read around on different journals, get a feel for the different types, and go from there, see what I want to become.
I got a tumblr and I'm on that a lot, but I still really like this place, even though I'm new, and I like how - intimate it feels? You have to search to find people and even then - you might not see everything. It's all reading, not just visuals, and it takes time. I like something like that.
Okay, well I'm off to be productive. My letter to one of my best friends is three (3!) weeks late and I have a test tomorrow. До свидания!
javaink: (Default)
I found out a week ago that there's a musical based on Alexander Hamilton. HAMILTON. I was/am ecstatic when I found out, but I was writing a paper when that happened and I couldn't watch it. Two days after that I had ANOTHER [crappy] paper to write.
GUESS WHAT.
NO MORE PAPERS TO WRITE (currently). (it is midterms though)
I will watch it soon IM SO EXCITED.
BECAUSE I LOVE HAMILTON I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN.
(i could, but i won't? it's difficult?)
But first I have to finish Starkid's "ANI" parody musical, then I'm all Hammy's.
javaink: (i can't explain)
It's four days into OCTOBER, the BEST MONTH of the YEAR, and I feel obligated to note that. Even though I'm four days late.
I'm trying to get used to this new atmosphere, my school, and slowly but surely I am. Studying, however, is so different and all I want to do is curl up under my blankets and never come out. I have a fluffy white blanket that is SO WARM I feel like i'm wrapped, or protected, or hugged by a cloud. A warm cloud, that is. My bed is lofted, so it adds to the effect. For the past two nights I've literally snuggled with a book. It stayed in my bed all night, and it was a little comforting, having those words so close to me instead of just my own words swarming inside my head. Last night it was Othello. I cannot WAIT to get into that, though if my record goes to show, I'll probably juggle it with The Iliad and Macbeth, if I have the time to read for myself. (I started to reread Macbeth the other night because I love Macbeth and because MacDuff was alluded to in Weiland and I cried when I realized - I get emotional over MacDuff). Not a good idea, to say the least, but I'm going with it! This weekend was an emotional roller coaster, and I'm tired. Tired of being thought of as "ridiculous" by my sisters, too, but what can you do?
.
Currently I am practicing scansion and it is kicking my ass.
That is all.

Profile

javaink: (Default)
javaink

April 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526 272829
30      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated 24 July 2017 04:32 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios