javaink: (like no other)
{disclaimer: i couldn't think of another c adjective, but i am feeling blue, so however strange it sounds, cerulean technically is accurate?}

You ever have one of those days where one of your friends or acquaintances unintentionally makes you feel like a million times dumber than you already feel like you are, and then your day spirals into one of despair and utter sadness and self-loathing? I hope you haven't, but that's what my day was.
- - -
In Russian today, I was struggling real bad. I had studied the right pages and was killing translating on sight, but when I was trying to form my own short sentences to explain some of my answers to my teacher's questions, I floundered. I couldn't find the right words, I couldn't remember phrases or add-ons the class learned last semester, and my professor does this awful, hilarious, exasperating thing where he starts a word for you and holds out the middle part for as long as possible (like minutes long) until you finish the word yourself. That kept happening to me.
In comes my friend, classmate, and roommate, T. There's only three of us in this class, and the other girl is a native speaker, and she understands that she should step back from our learning experience. I learn by saying and doing things repeatedly. I have to write a word repeatedly before I know how to spell it; I have to practice pronunciations multiple times, at separate times, to get it down; I have to read it a few times. I HAVE to do it myself. I've made note of this out loud before in front of my classmates. You can tell by the way I interact in class. I'm not consistent, especially because I zone out plenty of times simply because I can't follow what my teacher is saying. I'm slow at learning a language. I can catch onto the grammar quick, but not vocabulary or forms that well.
So, I'm floundering. My professor has held out this one word for a long time, and I tell him straight up: "No matter how long you hold out that word, I'm not going to remember it. I legitimately don't know it." He finishes the word for me, I repeat it back. I'm disappointed with myself.
A moment or two later, I'm floundering again. My professor isn't holding out the word anymore because these words feel like they're on the tip of my tongue, but my brain isn't helping out, it's not remembering, maybe a few seconds longer, keep repeating those words, something may spark- T swoops in, finishes my sentence for me. Oh. Ok. We've done this before, helped each other out when we aren't getting it. T finds it useful, I'm tolerant of the habit. Sometimes I do need a little push. This time I'm actually a little miffed because I didn't want her help. I could barely hear the correct way to spell it from her mouth, her voice was so low, nonchalant.
I feel I need to also explain how T is acting during this because it also affected my mood. First we sit at a rectangular table, all facing each other with our professor at the head. Second, T and I sit across from each other. T usually picks at her nails or uses a pencil to clean under them. This is what T is doing each time she answers for me. She's picking at her nails, not even looking at me or our professor during the conversation, with a blank, at rest face. I KNOW she doesn't mean anything by it, it's not a sign of anything, but one side of me reads it as she couldn't care less. She knows this stuff, she doesn't need to pay attention. Another side says she's listening, what else is she supposed to do, she's not that selfish, you know her.
We move on. Another moment later, I'm having trouble again! And there T is, sitting without watching, cleaning her nails, resting face on, and the moment I start having trouble and flounder, she jumps in, not even looking up from her nails. Her voice is feels dismissive too. I know she feels like she's helping, but honestly it just makes me think she's trying to speed up class, move on, I'm wasting her time. She went to St. Petersburg this summer, so Russian is still fresh in her mind, unlike me, who didn't study all summer. I shot her a miffed expression, I know my face wasn't thankful-looking, but T was too busy looking down at her nails to notice. I'm glad T knows her shit, but that doesn't mean she should interrupt my learning/reviewing process. She shouldn't steal that from me. She's not helping, that's not how I work.
She made me feel so incompetent. Like I shouldn't even be in Russ 300 level. Like I should drop out, retake the 100 level courses, I don't deserve to sit in this class. I spiraled from there. Just internally. I got myself some coffee, listened to some music, but I felt awful for the rest of the day, still do. I went to the library, up on the fourth floor waiting for my next class to start, and I almost cried in the corner I sat in. I felt ashamed and humiliated. Why don't I know these things, why can't I remember? Why am I so slow at learning, and why don't I dedicate myself to what I say I love so much? Am I just a fake? I can obviously finish out the minor, but should I if I'm doing so horribly? Why couldn't T just stay out of my business? How do I even review all the past semesters? I can't go up to my professor and say "I'm doing awful, what do I need to work on, how can I be better?" because the obvious answer is to just study. Just flip through our past textbook it's all there. How do I stop feeling awful? How do I stop hating myself? More questions and anger filtered through my head, and instead of working in the library before my next class I just sat on that chair, picked up a book explaining the importance of Calculus (which oddly calmed me??), and read an essay my adviser recommended.
I know T isn't directly responsible for my spiral of sadness since obviously self-loathing and miserable self-esteem is playing into this, but also, what she did still felt like a shitty thing to do. I know I should ask her to please not do that anymore, but I don't want to confuse her because sometimes I DO want her help.
I also just don't want to admit these feelings to anyone ever. Not including this post.
I think I need some space from her. I live with her, so it might be difficult.
- - -
Maybe I'll call my mom. (I have so much writing to do though. Hence "cornered." I'm reading some poetry at a Reading Series my teacher puts on tomorrow, so I'm editing some of it and majorly nervous)
javaink: (embarrassed)
first day back in classes, and i messed up already. though i guess YESTERDAY i messed up already. i left my car keys in my mom's truck, which is now back home, 12+ hours away. Great.
javaink: (what even am i)
i'm going into my second day of work, and i am FREAKING OUT A LITTLE BIT. it's retail and i'm cashier and i was shown how to do stuff but like i'm so terrified of messing up??? i don't have my tax form completely set up, so i need to do that, but i have to do it at work since the dumb dumb dumb site won't give me access at home. imma scream, but like inside. i need to caaaaaaaalm down.
my first day i was only there for four hours, and today will be just about five hours, 10 to 3 pm. it'll be fine, my coworkers will help me out, or my superviser/gen manager will - honestly i don't know her position, but she's in charge and does the scheduling, so i guess gen manager???
it will be fine. it will be fine. i can't overthink this.
i'm happy i'll be making money though?
javaink: (too much candy's gonna rot your soul)
so it's weird to think about but i've actually consumed a lot of storytelling this summer? the months have flown by and while waiting and despairing and searching for a job i've read/watched/listened to a lot! or well, a lot for myself, that is. i'm sure i'd lose any type of binge race out there.
i guess a list of things, then?
Podcasts:
- The Adventure Zone
(ALL caught up and i'm in LOVE and i am CRYING)
Books:
- A Court of Wings and Ruins by SJM
(grossgrossgross i'm glad it's over)
- Crocodile on the Sandbank / The Mummy Case by Elizabeth Peters
(reread and I love this series, however Extra Amelia is, so great)
- Winter by Marissa Meyer
- Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman
(this was the first physical book i read all summer, and honestly it felt SO GOOD to get back to that type of reading, having a book in my hand, and this book was SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO AMAZING)
TV Shows
- Young Justice
- Supergirl
(on s2, reaaaaal disappointed, but i'll finish it)
- The Flash
(on s2, but binging w the fam, so i'll probs finish by the end of this month?)
- Star Trek The Next Generation
(just a few episodes, so does this really count?)
Films
- Wonderwoman 2017
Games
- Mass Effect 2
(finished and loved, still haven't bought ME3)
- DA: Inquisition
(NOT finished, but at least I'm at Skyhold?)
Comics
- Batman: Year One / The Long Halloween / Dark Victory / The Man Who Laughs / The Killing Joke / A Death in the Family
- Robin: Year One / Batgirl: Year One / Catwoman: When in Rome


+ + +

and that's it so far. not a lot, right? well, my kind of "a lot"? i haven't had a lot to do, and zero friends around while at home, so there's that. that's why it feels like a small amount.
i finally got a job, but i probably won't work that many hours, so i probably won't earn that much money in this upcoming month before i go back to school. i'm so disappointed. i wish i had gotten a job earlier this summer. i planned, i searched, but nothing. a few interviews, but no callbacks or hirings, until now, of course. i made mistakes, and i want to punch myself about it, but whatever!

Planning on finishing:
- The Flash / Supergirl
- Scream Queens s2 (only a few episodes!!! just a few!)
- the fourth Amelia Peabody book
- DA:I
- Batman foundational comics! as in before new52!
- How to Get Away With Murder

Planning on Starting:
- Justice League / Justice League Unlimited
- Batman v Superman movie
- Batman / Batfam comics, that's it, all of them (jk but then not jk)
- Six of Crows

AND I REALLY NEED TO JUST BINGE WATCH ELEMENTARY, BUT I GUESS NOT THIS YEAR?? i've held it off for like two years now?
anyway, so i've decided to get into DC Comics - one day i got the itch to read them, and then i decided "fuck it, y not" and i started! i have three lists i'm going off of, but i'm so ready to be "caught up" / read the new comics, but i don't just want to wiki search everything. so, this is gonna take a while. high-key also wanna read Superboy comics, but i'm focusing on the batfam first. i just- love- Superboy's- design, the punk-ish design that is, with the round glasses? don't know if he's a DICK, but i'll FIND OUT. i'm excited. also hella daunted but keepin on plowin. IM DOING THIS I CANT BELIEVE IT. i even started a dc comics sideblog on tumblr even tho . . .i never have any thoughts to contribute/of value? whatevs, im excited.
so there's that update, i'm tired now.
ok quick exit, bye now.
javaink: (i need to do something with my hands)
i’m a prideful hufflepuff who doesn’t know how to hufflepuff or can’t bring herself to hufflepuff, and i am a hufflepuff because i value hard work and labor and fairness and damn justice, but i used to be a ravenclaw, as a kid i use to value knowledge over all but that came from deep arrogance, though then and now i value knowledge for knowledge, but it was more of a status thing for me back then, knowledge is power and cunning and being above others and also wisdom and a clear sight of the world and compassion, knowledge was a means to an end, and that end used to be worth in myself, it was a signal that i was worth something, knowledge is edge. but now i value hard work above that – i still value knowledge for knowledge but it’s more about communicating with others and understanding my world, and part of that is ravenclaw like, but hufflepuff overall, and i’m just a puff that can’t puff, ya know. i can’t bring myself to work, i value it, but the effort kills me though i’m in love with the idea. i have no drive, and it kills me.

-
i miss my friend. how do you fall out of friend-love?

-
also, i'm -
i'm something.
this paper i've been given an extension on, and my lovely teacher prophesied that i needed an extension, but my pride was like "probably, but let's try for the deadline" and on the deadline i emailed him saying "please, i need that extension" and now here i am a day later and still a mess. i have been blessed with my teachers.
an all-nighter tonight to get this first draft COMPLETELY done and to get other homework done.
javaink: (not today satan)
So it turned out that Monday was amazing. You know how everyone always complains and hates on Mondays? Not so for me. Monday blew me away, favored me till it the sun went down and the day was done.
That 3 page paper? Finished within 2-3 hours. "That's . . . great? Not something to brag about? Why are you so happy?" you might say.
And I'd respond, "Oh I don't know, because I overthink EVERYTHING, and 3 page papers TURN INTO ALL-NIGHTERS WHEN THEY ARE ONLY. THREE. PAGES." It's true. In that first semester of Freshmen year, in my lit class, all the paper were 3 pages. All of them needed an all-nighter for me to complete. How ridiculous is that? It's outrageous, and I hate my brain for that, but it's what I am. Instead, on Monday morning - because that night I just could NOT write, could not stick or think through one simple thing - I got up early, slept in a little bit? I meant to get up at 6 30 AM, couldn't do it, rose at 7 30. Started writing at 8, got done at 9 50, ten minutes before my first class 10. I had no time between Greek Prose (that 10 AM class) and Digital Media Writing to work on it because the paper was due at 12! The end of Digital Media, which starts at 11! And yet I finished the paper? I'm so proud. I mean, it wasn't good, but I did good. I couldn't stop smiling as I walked out of my dorm, repeating that phrase over and over in my head. It wasn't good, but I did good. A personal record. It was not up to par with my other papers, not even close, but . . . I'm over it. (Except for when I become mortally embarrassed when I have to sit down with my professor and talk it over, because he wants to do that with all of us, "the papers don't end after the deadline, let's keep working! let's continue this discussion!" like, blegh, ciri-- bae, blegh, let's nOt).

That day I also decided to wear what I wore for Beauty and the beast, jeans, my purple long sleeve crop top, and my cute sky blue crop sweater. Now, I know what you're thinking: so what? I'm there with you, I hate it when stories and writings talk about their wardrobe, like thanks for the visual, but so what? I'm over it! But this was important because I'm self-conscious about my belly. I'm not that overweight, not like those that are put down, but growing up in a household of a mother that constantly bemoaned how overweight she was, how embarrassed she was - my mother is confident and such a joy, and she's so badass, but I know she misses being smaller. Work and tiredness and raising three kids as a single parent - even when she was still married to my dad, that selfish ass! - and age have slowed her down. She used to dance. She used to be such an athlete, she loved it all. But she chose being an engineer over dancing because she wanted a family, and it hurts her, I think, in a way, that she's slowed down enough and busy so much that she can't stop and breathe. She has no energy, only enough to wistfully say how she needs to start dancing again.

Anyway, that's not- the point of this post. I'm insecure! About my body! Who isn't! My spot of most weakness is my belly, and I love the style of high waisted jeans and crop tops, crop sweaters ESPECIALLy. I love that shorted torso look, though sometimes it looks so 80s, I don't even care. I have both crop tops and sweaters, but I end up finding ways to cover my belly or covering the crop tops I love. I don't wear my skirts because of my legs. I need to get over this, but it's hard, and I don't have time to discipline myself. Not when I should be disciplining myself for school and forgetting dumb boys. BUT THIS PAST MONDAY (yesterday) I DECIDED TO SAY FUCK THAT SHIT, IMMA WEAR MY CUTE CROP SWEATER WITH MY JEANS AND IMMA LOOK GREAT WITH MY NEW HAIRCUT. And I did, and I felt fabulous. A little self-conscious when I sat down because my belly looks worse sitting down, but also because my underwear showed above my jeans when I did that and the crop top didn't stay down. I FELT GREAT THOUGH. I FELT CUTE. And the guy I need to forget because I don't even know him?? He walked by while I looked cute, don't think he saw me but I saw him and that was fine and he was with a girl, walking real close, that doesn't mean he's not gay, but it looked romantic-y and that was a smidge freeing. A smidge. Not entirely free, but close.

I also walked by this girl saying into her phone, "Boys are dumb." I said "True" real fast, and we both laughed as we walked farther away. I spoke my mind! Like what was that, did I drink a Felix Elixar from H Potter and have a magical day???? And one of my classes was cancelled, I did well in Greek Prose when called on, and I finished everything in time for Russian! And later that night, I had a light amount of reading, and I was excited to earn 30$ from my procturing gig I was to do tomorrow (which happened today and was a breeze, despite my anxiousness beforehand). My teacher needed someone to watch over one class taking their exam, he'd pay 30, which isn't much but neither is the job, and since I have no job this semester, I jumped on that. Literally it's not much, but I'm thankful all the same! I need to jump on opportunities more. Alsoa apparently Monday was the first day of Spring? It felt so good outside. I saw a play that night, and it was alright, but enjoyable. It was The Ruby Sunrise.

Today went well too, but Monday was SO enjoyable, a surprise. I also felt like I dressed great today too, so there's that.

- --
Gotta finish some stuff, but goodnight! I'm so happy.

- --
My Friday also might be looking amazing? But I learned today that one of my best friends might definitely be transferring from here because our college is too expensive, especially for how small it is. And it is small. I hate how small it is too, so I agree with her there. I just . . . hope our study abroad plans line up. We need to be in Europe together. We need the triangle to be complete.
javaink: (too much candy's gonna rot your soul)
So I think I need to just write my own Beauty and the Beast 2017 fanfiction?
I've been searching through the batb2017 fanfics that I can find, and none of them really. . . are what I'm looking for. There are plenty good ones! But not in the style or depth or etc I like to read, which throws me off.
I always say I hate when it comes to this, when I have to write my own fanfiction because I don't have time and I also am awful at writing other people's characters, but I oddly feel compelled to do this? And determined? Not chase-you-down determined but like "Yes! I will write this! I will get this done! I will cook myself dinner instead of take out!" And this means I have to watch the movie a million times over, analyze and study everything because I need to be in character for my fics or I scratch my eyes out. I can feel the OOC but I can't tell. . . how to not be IC? That's so awful. Anyway, it'll be a good exercise and distraction this summer. I'll find a way to watch it, and it'll be a great relaxation thing besides playing Mass Effect while I work my ass off this summer to make money for my study abroad this next Spring.

- -
I say this, but no way in hell will I share this fanfiction, once it's written. I don't like writing fanfiction for Disney things, or Disney princess things, it's . . . too close to my childhood in the wrong way, but . . . I'm making an exception. For once I LIKE the romance and world of Beauty and the Beast, whereas before I was like "meh" despite being a reincarnated version of Belle which pisses me off to no extent, but then again . . .I am also very much Mulan, so I can forget Belle. Belle's not bad! She's amazing, like wow, but . . . something wrong's there in my mind, it's probably . . . a weird thing I need to work through, but right now she's in a better light now thanks to the 2017 version! In my fic, I can expand upon her, make her closer to how I thought she was going to be, because let me tell you, I heard that SHE was supposed to be the inventor instead of her dad, which is mainly true! But not . . . emphasized or shown enough. For real, I was disappointed in that. So that's going to be a thing, despite not knowing anything about gears and mechanics and whatever else is involved.

- -
I LOVED the movie, and it was great. There were some drawbacks and definite weaknesses (some of those cuts? yikes. that first intro to Belle's room in the castle? double yikes), but I loved it! So much! Way more than I thought I was. All my friends were pumped, and I was like, "Yeah, this should be good!" I would've been okay watching it when it came out on DVD but I'm so glad I didn't! It was beautiful and gorgeous and so great. Again, a few hiccups, but otherwise, AMAZING.

- -
Alright, off for me to write a 3 page paper. Gah, I shouldn't overthink it, else I WILL pull an all-nighter and THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. IT'S ONLY THREE PAGES. NOT WORTH AN ALL-NIGHTER. (it is a midterm, BUT STILL).
javaink: (embarrassed)
so i have to start a blog for class. who knew that was a criteria for my Digital Media Writing class? i did, i knew right when i signed up. what a MISTAKE.
okay not a mistake. i took this class for future jobs and internships. but.
here's the thing: i am AWFUL at blogs. i've never had a blog. tumblr doesn't count. this journal may be a blog? i don't know, i'm counting it not as a blog but as proof that i'm BAD at blogs. i don't know how to make posts about my ideas! i don't know how write things for the internet and not feel anxious and leave my writing alone! i don't know how to come up with ideas! i'm awful at ideas! which is really unfortunate since my life. .. . is gonna be based on creative writing. i know, i've dug myself into a hole.
ON THE PLUS SIDE.
i talked with my teacher, and she helped me see some bright side, some ideas of what to do. she said the mission statement or the goal for the blog is what's most important. i just have to mull it over and pick.
so here's the list:
1. some sort of copyediting blog (since i want to go into publishing)
a. a review blog on recently published stories/books/etc
b. keeping up with publishing trends
c. finding new authors and checking them out
d. a blog on misprints and copyediting, going through mistakes and explaining why they are mistakes
2. review a tv show blog
a. as in, watch one show, rate each episode and such. potential for funny
3. writing prompt blog (maybe not good if i want to publish any of those pieces)

I'm leaning towards 1a, 1c, and 3. I gotta choose, explore, brainstorm, and then pitch this friday. wish me luck, whoever is reading this.
javaink: (wow)
well today's been shit.

- - -
it kinda occured to me that our now 45th (ew)(EW) is all the bad qualities and worse history of America rolled up into one orange flake of skin. i mean, i kinda knew that all along, but the phrasing of such a sentiment hit me today.

- - -
also, a lot of people on campus - and people i KNOW - are obviously upset by this, a few cried, and who can blame them?
me, i just felt - still do actually. just a deep slow burn where my heart should be but now feels hollowed out. and it's a gentle ache of flames, like a low kindling fire, buried in my chest, and there's warmth but also a coolness. a cold anger.
a part of me didn't believe in the goodness of people, not exactly, but in the logic of people. for them to see the bigger picture. i still believe Clinton is the smart choice, but maybe i don't see the picture as clear as i need to. but at least i know droves of people - diverse crowds of people that are innocent and compassionate - wouldn't be crying, questioning their safety. i know people would be on edge whoever won, but at least with Clinton, those people pissed wouldn't question their safety. not so many.
but i forgot. the founding fathers hadn't, but i did. people and the majority: fickle and impulsive they are, watching their own skins and accidentally setting their world on fire.

- - -
p. s. im gonna miss obama's face and biden's gorgeous smile
javaink: (like no other)
i don't think i like nanowrimo.
i was a dumb, and on the 31st i impulsively made an account for nanowrimo, willingly ignoring the fact that i don't have a story planned! i have maybe a couple i could TRY to do, but none i'm feeling too cozy with? none i'm feeling inspired by?
now it's five days later and the anxiety to write and start a novel on there nibbles at the bottom of my stomach, and if i think too hard about it - which means, longer than 30 seconds - i start feeling guilty! hard-pressed to write! and i don't think that works for me, at least not now. i-
this past summer, when i was working hard on my Greek summer courses, i was thinking of doing summer camp nano. my sister was going to do it, she needed a distraction. she had read a siren book, and she was inspired to write about mermaids. me, i love sirens, and mermaids, and sirens, sirens, sirens. bird or fish kind. sirens are one of my favorite mythical creatures. so of course, when she said she wanted to do that, my mind exploded with some ideas. a small plot in mind, but not one that i couldn't flesh out, stretch out into book form. people do it all the time in ya.
needless to say, i started taking notes in a small pocket journal, but i didn't get far. again, Greek courses. INTENSE Greek courses. i needed to finish them in time for the fall semester and i had started late, so my classes were bunched up together, one on top of the other, i felt awful and stressed.
so no summer nano for me.
but that's the only one i would maybe want to do? i have an idea that stems from my sims 2 game, one of the families where there are a shit ton of alien-abduction babies and all angst and maybe i would throw in an alien invasion and resistance. but- no inspiration, not now.
and it's not helping that i left that small pocketbook at home, home which is TEXAS and i am NOT in Texas.

- - -
Ha, the mention of Texas reminds me of a thing that happened in my Short Story class today. eh, tomorrow.
(i WILL write it tomorrow, i swear, this isn't exploration, this is a happy thing, kinda)

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