javaink: (like no other)
2017-09-21 05:23 pm


{disclaimer: i couldn't think of another c adjective, but i am feeling blue, so however strange it sounds, cerulean technically is accurate?}

You ever have one of those days where one of your friends or acquaintances unintentionally makes you feel like a million times dumber than you already feel like you are, and then your day spirals into one of despair and utter sadness and self-loathing? I hope you haven't, but that's what my day was.
- - -
In Russian today, I was struggling real bad. I had studied the right pages and was killing translating on sight, but when I was trying to form my own short sentences to explain some of my answers to my teacher's questions, I floundered. I couldn't find the right words, I couldn't remember phrases or add-ons the class learned last semester, and my professor does this awful, hilarious, exasperating thing where he starts a word for you and holds out the middle part for as long as possible (like minutes long) until you finish the word yourself. That kept happening to me.
In comes my friend, classmate, and roommate, T. There's only three of us in this class, and the other girl is a native speaker, and she understands that she should step back from our learning experience. I learn by saying and doing things repeatedly. I have to write a word repeatedly before I know how to spell it; I have to practice pronunciations multiple times, at separate times, to get it down; I have to read it a few times. I HAVE to do it myself. I've made note of this out loud before in front of my classmates. You can tell by the way I interact in class. I'm not consistent, especially because I zone out plenty of times simply because I can't follow what my teacher is saying. I'm slow at learning a language. I can catch onto the grammar quick, but not vocabulary or forms that well.
So, I'm floundering. My professor has held out this one word for a long time, and I tell him straight up: "No matter how long you hold out that word, I'm not going to remember it. I legitimately don't know it." He finishes the word for me, I repeat it back. I'm disappointed with myself.
A moment or two later, I'm floundering again. My professor isn't holding out the word anymore because these words feel like they're on the tip of my tongue, but my brain isn't helping out, it's not remembering, maybe a few seconds longer, keep repeating those words, something may spark- T swoops in, finishes my sentence for me. Oh. Ok. We've done this before, helped each other out when we aren't getting it. T finds it useful, I'm tolerant of the habit. Sometimes I do need a little push. This time I'm actually a little miffed because I didn't want her help. I could barely hear the correct way to spell it from her mouth, her voice was so low, nonchalant.
I feel I need to also explain how T is acting during this because it also affected my mood. First we sit at a rectangular table, all facing each other with our professor at the head. Second, T and I sit across from each other. T usually picks at her nails or uses a pencil to clean under them. This is what T is doing each time she answers for me. She's picking at her nails, not even looking at me or our professor during the conversation, with a blank, at rest face. I KNOW she doesn't mean anything by it, it's not a sign of anything, but one side of me reads it as she couldn't care less. She knows this stuff, she doesn't need to pay attention. Another side says she's listening, what else is she supposed to do, she's not that selfish, you know her.
We move on. Another moment later, I'm having trouble again! And there T is, sitting without watching, cleaning her nails, resting face on, and the moment I start having trouble and flounder, she jumps in, not even looking up from her nails. Her voice is feels dismissive too. I know she feels like she's helping, but honestly it just makes me think she's trying to speed up class, move on, I'm wasting her time. She went to St. Petersburg this summer, so Russian is still fresh in her mind, unlike me, who didn't study all summer. I shot her a miffed expression, I know my face wasn't thankful-looking, but T was too busy looking down at her nails to notice. I'm glad T knows her shit, but that doesn't mean she should interrupt my learning/reviewing process. She shouldn't steal that from me. She's not helping, that's not how I work.
She made me feel so incompetent. Like I shouldn't even be in Russ 300 level. Like I should drop out, retake the 100 level courses, I don't deserve to sit in this class. I spiraled from there. Just internally. I got myself some coffee, listened to some music, but I felt awful for the rest of the day, still do. I went to the library, up on the fourth floor waiting for my next class to start, and I almost cried in the corner I sat in. I felt ashamed and humiliated. Why don't I know these things, why can't I remember? Why am I so slow at learning, and why don't I dedicate myself to what I say I love so much? Am I just a fake? I can obviously finish out the minor, but should I if I'm doing so horribly? Why couldn't T just stay out of my business? How do I even review all the past semesters? I can't go up to my professor and say "I'm doing awful, what do I need to work on, how can I be better?" because the obvious answer is to just study. Just flip through our past textbook it's all there. How do I stop feeling awful? How do I stop hating myself? More questions and anger filtered through my head, and instead of working in the library before my next class I just sat on that chair, picked up a book explaining the importance of Calculus (which oddly calmed me??), and read an essay my adviser recommended.
I know T isn't directly responsible for my spiral of sadness since obviously self-loathing and miserable self-esteem is playing into this, but also, what she did still felt like a shitty thing to do. I know I should ask her to please not do that anymore, but I don't want to confuse her because sometimes I DO want her help.
I also just don't want to admit these feelings to anyone ever. Not including this post.
I think I need some space from her. I live with her, so it might be difficult.
- - -
Maybe I'll call my mom. (I have so much writing to do though. Hence "cornered." I'm reading some poetry at a Reading Series my teacher puts on tomorrow, so I'm editing some of it and majorly nervous)
javaink: (embarrassed)
2017-08-23 10:25 am

[title ignored]

first day back in classes, and i messed up already. though i guess YESTERDAY i messed up already. i left my car keys in my mom's truck, which is now back home, 12+ hours away. Great.
javaink: (what even am i)
2017-07-26 09:00 am


i'm going into my second day of work, and i am FREAKING OUT A LITTLE BIT. it's retail and i'm cashier and i was shown how to do stuff but like i'm so terrified of messing up??? i don't have my tax form completely set up, so i need to do that, but i have to do it at work since the dumb dumb dumb site won't give me access at home. imma scream, but like inside. i need to caaaaaaaalm down.
my first day i was only there for four hours, and today will be just about five hours, 10 to 3 pm. it'll be fine, my coworkers will help me out, or my superviser/gen manager will - honestly i don't know her position, but she's in charge and does the scheduling, so i guess gen manager???
it will be fine. it will be fine. i can't overthink this.
i'm happy i'll be making money though?
javaink: (too much candy's gonna rot your soul)
2017-07-25 06:39 pm


so it's weird to think about but i've actually consumed a lot of storytelling this summer? the months have flown by and while waiting and despairing and searching for a job i've read/watched/listened to a lot! or well, a lot for myself, that is. i'm sure i'd lose any type of binge race out there.
i guess a list of things, then?
- The Adventure Zone
(ALL caught up and i'm in LOVE and i am CRYING)
- A Court of Wings and Ruins by SJM
(grossgrossgross i'm glad it's over)
- Crocodile on the Sandbank / The Mummy Case by Elizabeth Peters
(reread and I love this series, however Extra Amelia is, so great)
- Winter by Marissa Meyer
- Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman
(this was the first physical book i read all summer, and honestly it felt SO GOOD to get back to that type of reading, having a book in my hand, and this book was SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO AMAZING)
TV Shows
- Young Justice
- Supergirl
(on s2, reaaaaal disappointed, but i'll finish it)
- The Flash
(on s2, but binging w the fam, so i'll probs finish by the end of this month?)
- Star Trek The Next Generation
(just a few episodes, so does this really count?)
- Wonderwoman 2017
- Mass Effect 2
(finished and loved, still haven't bought ME3)
- DA: Inquisition
(NOT finished, but at least I'm at Skyhold?)
- Batman: Year One / The Long Halloween / Dark Victory / The Man Who Laughs / The Killing Joke / A Death in the Family
- Robin: Year One / Batgirl: Year One / Catwoman: When in Rome

+ + +

and that's it so far. not a lot, right? well, my kind of "a lot"? i haven't had a lot to do, and zero friends around while at home, so there's that. that's why it feels like a small amount.
i finally got a job, but i probably won't work that many hours, so i probably won't earn that much money in this upcoming month before i go back to school. i'm so disappointed. i wish i had gotten a job earlier this summer. i planned, i searched, but nothing. a few interviews, but no callbacks or hirings, until now, of course. i made mistakes, and i want to punch myself about it, but whatever!

Planning on finishing:
- The Flash / Supergirl
- Scream Queens s2 (only a few episodes!!! just a few!)
- the fourth Amelia Peabody book
- DA:I
- Batman foundational comics! as in before new52!
- How to Get Away With Murder

Planning on Starting:
- Justice League / Justice League Unlimited
- Batman v Superman movie
- Batman / Batfam comics, that's it, all of them (jk but then not jk)
- Six of Crows

anyway, so i've decided to get into DC Comics - one day i got the itch to read them, and then i decided "fuck it, y not" and i started! i have three lists i'm going off of, but i'm so ready to be "caught up" / read the new comics, but i don't just want to wiki search everything. so, this is gonna take a while. high-key also wanna read Superboy comics, but i'm focusing on the batfam first. i just- love- Superboy's- design, the punk-ish design that is, with the round glasses? don't know if he's a DICK, but i'll FIND OUT. i'm excited. also hella daunted but keepin on plowin. IM DOING THIS I CANT BELIEVE IT. i even started a dc comics sideblog on tumblr even tho . . .i never have any thoughts to contribute/of value? whatevs, im excited.
so there's that update, i'm tired now.
ok quick exit, bye now.
javaink: (perfection)
2017-04-27 01:30 am
Entry tags:


I finished the first game I think three or four weeks ago now? I haven't gotten TOO far into ME2, but I'm slowly working my way through. I HATE the combat on ME2; I'm too used to (and lowkey still in love with) the combat in ME1, so. That's probably why. I am getting used to it though! I haven't bought ME3 yet, but if it goes on sale on Origin or Amazon . . . I'm buying IMMEDIATELY.

I weirdly feel like I made a MISTAKE with this first playthrough. Not any big mistake, but a mistake for myself. I decided that my first Shepard would be an AU version of an OC of mine because sometimes that's what I do in games. Not a bad strategy, I don't think. But this stopped me from really playing by getting to know Shepard and form her around my idea of an original Shepard. I don't know, maybe this all sounds dumb?
But maybe I'm missing out?
Anyway, I do really love this game, and it's interesting to choose options and everything - this is my first role-playing game if . . . that's not obvious.

There have been plenty of scenes that match the character of my OC, Lysander, who used to be named Alex. Sometimes the options match her but not perfectly, like some instances she would have been more . . . diplomatic? Manipulative? Idk, BUT! There was one moment in ME2 that was EXPLICITLY HER, EXPLICITLY ALEX, the piece of her past and self she keeps locked up.
Illium, helping to sell the quarian-slave/indentured servant. She goes to the Synthetic Company, tries to talking to them, and the lady straight up says, "It looks so bad, so bad, if we buy a slave. And AI's are looked down on-"
And that whole answer Shep gives her?
"It sounds like Synthetic Insights is worried about its reputation. Hiring this quarian will help. . . . Purchase the contract, minus the fee for early emancipation. Then free the quarian and garnish wages for reimbursement."
The asari catches on, and it's a sealed deal. It was PERFECT, IT'S THE MOST ALEX THING LYSANDER HAS SAID THIS WHOLE GAME SERIES.
Which makes sense since Lysander always tries to put on a good face, not be SO blunt with how she manipulates situations and people, but. That was amazing. It was like her old days on Earth with her twin.

Oh yes. My Shepard has a twin. Again, they were OCs BEFORE Mass Effect, so it's not like a cliche or anything. I have multiple AUs about what her twin is up to and how they reunite, but they lived on the streets and were good at the sort of underhand business thinking Shep just showed in her dealing with the asari.
Just. It was great. <3

Okay, enough from me for now. Back to work.
javaink: (i need to do something with my hands)
2017-04-19 01:43 am


i’m a prideful hufflepuff who doesn’t know how to hufflepuff or can’t bring herself to hufflepuff, and i am a hufflepuff because i value hard work and labor and fairness and damn justice, but i used to be a ravenclaw, as a kid i use to value knowledge over all but that came from deep arrogance, though then and now i value knowledge for knowledge, but it was more of a status thing for me back then, knowledge is power and cunning and being above others and also wisdom and a clear sight of the world and compassion, knowledge was a means to an end, and that end used to be worth in myself, it was a signal that i was worth something, knowledge is edge. but now i value hard work above that – i still value knowledge for knowledge but it’s more about communicating with others and understanding my world, and part of that is ravenclaw like, but hufflepuff overall, and i’m just a puff that can’t puff, ya know. i can’t bring myself to work, i value it, but the effort kills me though i’m in love with the idea. i have no drive, and it kills me.

i miss my friend. how do you fall out of friend-love?

also, i'm -
i'm something.
this paper i've been given an extension on, and my lovely teacher prophesied that i needed an extension, but my pride was like "probably, but let's try for the deadline" and on the deadline i emailed him saying "please, i need that extension" and now here i am a day later and still a mess. i have been blessed with my teachers.
an all-nighter tonight to get this first draft COMPLETELY done and to get other homework done.
javaink: (not today satan)
2017-03-21 11:29 pm


So it turned out that Monday was amazing. You know how everyone always complains and hates on Mondays? Not so for me. Monday blew me away, favored me till it the sun went down and the day was done.
That 3 page paper? Finished within 2-3 hours. "That's . . . great? Not something to brag about? Why are you so happy?" you might say.
And I'd respond, "Oh I don't know, because I overthink EVERYTHING, and 3 page papers TURN INTO ALL-NIGHTERS WHEN THEY ARE ONLY. THREE. PAGES." It's true. In that first semester of Freshmen year, in my lit class, all the paper were 3 pages. All of them needed an all-nighter for me to complete. How ridiculous is that? It's outrageous, and I hate my brain for that, but it's what I am. Instead, on Monday morning - because that night I just could NOT write, could not stick or think through one simple thing - I got up early, slept in a little bit? I meant to get up at 6 30 AM, couldn't do it, rose at 7 30. Started writing at 8, got done at 9 50, ten minutes before my first class 10. I had no time between Greek Prose (that 10 AM class) and Digital Media Writing to work on it because the paper was due at 12! The end of Digital Media, which starts at 11! And yet I finished the paper? I'm so proud. I mean, it wasn't good, but I did good. I couldn't stop smiling as I walked out of my dorm, repeating that phrase over and over in my head. It wasn't good, but I did good. A personal record. It was not up to par with my other papers, not even close, but . . . I'm over it. (Except for when I become mortally embarrassed when I have to sit down with my professor and talk it over, because he wants to do that with all of us, "the papers don't end after the deadline, let's keep working! let's continue this discussion!" like, blegh, ciri-- bae, blegh, let's nOt).

That day I also decided to wear what I wore for Beauty and the beast, jeans, my purple long sleeve crop top, and my cute sky blue crop sweater. Now, I know what you're thinking: so what? I'm there with you, I hate it when stories and writings talk about their wardrobe, like thanks for the visual, but so what? I'm over it! But this was important because I'm self-conscious about my belly. I'm not that overweight, not like those that are put down, but growing up in a household of a mother that constantly bemoaned how overweight she was, how embarrassed she was - my mother is confident and such a joy, and she's so badass, but I know she misses being smaller. Work and tiredness and raising three kids as a single parent - even when she was still married to my dad, that selfish ass! - and age have slowed her down. She used to dance. She used to be such an athlete, she loved it all. But she chose being an engineer over dancing because she wanted a family, and it hurts her, I think, in a way, that she's slowed down enough and busy so much that she can't stop and breathe. She has no energy, only enough to wistfully say how she needs to start dancing again.

Anyway, that's not- the point of this post. I'm insecure! About my body! Who isn't! My spot of most weakness is my belly, and I love the style of high waisted jeans and crop tops, crop sweaters ESPECIALLy. I love that shorted torso look, though sometimes it looks so 80s, I don't even care. I have both crop tops and sweaters, but I end up finding ways to cover my belly or covering the crop tops I love. I don't wear my skirts because of my legs. I need to get over this, but it's hard, and I don't have time to discipline myself. Not when I should be disciplining myself for school and forgetting dumb boys. BUT THIS PAST MONDAY (yesterday) I DECIDED TO SAY FUCK THAT SHIT, IMMA WEAR MY CUTE CROP SWEATER WITH MY JEANS AND IMMA LOOK GREAT WITH MY NEW HAIRCUT. And I did, and I felt fabulous. A little self-conscious when I sat down because my belly looks worse sitting down, but also because my underwear showed above my jeans when I did that and the crop top didn't stay down. I FELT GREAT THOUGH. I FELT CUTE. And the guy I need to forget because I don't even know him?? He walked by while I looked cute, don't think he saw me but I saw him and that was fine and he was with a girl, walking real close, that doesn't mean he's not gay, but it looked romantic-y and that was a smidge freeing. A smidge. Not entirely free, but close.

I also walked by this girl saying into her phone, "Boys are dumb." I said "True" real fast, and we both laughed as we walked farther away. I spoke my mind! Like what was that, did I drink a Felix Elixar from H Potter and have a magical day???? And one of my classes was cancelled, I did well in Greek Prose when called on, and I finished everything in time for Russian! And later that night, I had a light amount of reading, and I was excited to earn 30$ from my procturing gig I was to do tomorrow (which happened today and was a breeze, despite my anxiousness beforehand). My teacher needed someone to watch over one class taking their exam, he'd pay 30, which isn't much but neither is the job, and since I have no job this semester, I jumped on that. Literally it's not much, but I'm thankful all the same! I need to jump on opportunities more. Alsoa apparently Monday was the first day of Spring? It felt so good outside. I saw a play that night, and it was alright, but enjoyable. It was The Ruby Sunrise.

Today went well too, but Monday was SO enjoyable, a surprise. I also felt like I dressed great today too, so there's that.

- --
Gotta finish some stuff, but goodnight! I'm so happy.

- --
My Friday also might be looking amazing? But I learned today that one of my best friends might definitely be transferring from here because our college is too expensive, especially for how small it is. And it is small. I hate how small it is too, so I agree with her there. I just . . . hope our study abroad plans line up. We need to be in Europe together. We need the triangle to be complete.
javaink: (too much candy's gonna rot your soul)
2017-03-19 09:38 pm


So I think I need to just write my own Beauty and the Beast 2017 fanfiction?
I've been searching through the batb2017 fanfics that I can find, and none of them really. . . are what I'm looking for. There are plenty good ones! But not in the style or depth or etc I like to read, which throws me off.
I always say I hate when it comes to this, when I have to write my own fanfiction because I don't have time and I also am awful at writing other people's characters, but I oddly feel compelled to do this? And determined? Not chase-you-down determined but like "Yes! I will write this! I will get this done! I will cook myself dinner instead of take out!" And this means I have to watch the movie a million times over, analyze and study everything because I need to be in character for my fics or I scratch my eyes out. I can feel the OOC but I can't tell. . . how to not be IC? That's so awful. Anyway, it'll be a good exercise and distraction this summer. I'll find a way to watch it, and it'll be a great relaxation thing besides playing Mass Effect while I work my ass off this summer to make money for my study abroad this next Spring.

- -
I say this, but no way in hell will I share this fanfiction, once it's written. I don't like writing fanfiction for Disney things, or Disney princess things, it's . . . too close to my childhood in the wrong way, but . . . I'm making an exception. For once I LIKE the romance and world of Beauty and the Beast, whereas before I was like "meh" despite being a reincarnated version of Belle which pisses me off to no extent, but then again . . .I am also very much Mulan, so I can forget Belle. Belle's not bad! She's amazing, like wow, but . . . something wrong's there in my mind, it's probably . . . a weird thing I need to work through, but right now she's in a better light now thanks to the 2017 version! In my fic, I can expand upon her, make her closer to how I thought she was going to be, because let me tell you, I heard that SHE was supposed to be the inventor instead of her dad, which is mainly true! But not . . . emphasized or shown enough. For real, I was disappointed in that. So that's going to be a thing, despite not knowing anything about gears and mechanics and whatever else is involved.

- -
I LOVED the movie, and it was great. There were some drawbacks and definite weaknesses (some of those cuts? yikes. that first intro to Belle's room in the castle? double yikes), but I loved it! So much! Way more than I thought I was. All my friends were pumped, and I was like, "Yeah, this should be good!" I would've been okay watching it when it came out on DVD but I'm so glad I didn't! It was beautiful and gorgeous and so great. Again, a few hiccups, but otherwise, AMAZING.

- -
Alright, off for me to write a 3 page paper. Gah, I shouldn't overthink it, else I WILL pull an all-nighter and THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. IT'S ONLY THREE PAGES. NOT WORTH AN ALL-NIGHTER. (it is a midterm, BUT STILL).
javaink: (embarrassed)
2017-01-18 04:55 pm


so i have to start a blog for class. who knew that was a criteria for my Digital Media Writing class? i did, i knew right when i signed up. what a MISTAKE.
okay not a mistake. i took this class for future jobs and internships. but.
here's the thing: i am AWFUL at blogs. i've never had a blog. tumblr doesn't count. this journal may be a blog? i don't know, i'm counting it not as a blog but as proof that i'm BAD at blogs. i don't know how to make posts about my ideas! i don't know how write things for the internet and not feel anxious and leave my writing alone! i don't know how to come up with ideas! i'm awful at ideas! which is really unfortunate since my life. .. . is gonna be based on creative writing. i know, i've dug myself into a hole.
i talked with my teacher, and she helped me see some bright side, some ideas of what to do. she said the mission statement or the goal for the blog is what's most important. i just have to mull it over and pick.
so here's the list:
1. some sort of copyediting blog (since i want to go into publishing)
a. a review blog on recently published stories/books/etc
b. keeping up with publishing trends
c. finding new authors and checking them out
d. a blog on misprints and copyediting, going through mistakes and explaining why they are mistakes
2. review a tv show blog
a. as in, watch one show, rate each episode and such. potential for funny
3. writing prompt blog (maybe not good if i want to publish any of those pieces)

I'm leaning towards 1a, 1c, and 3. I gotta choose, explore, brainstorm, and then pitch this friday. wish me luck, whoever is reading this.
javaink: (wow)
2016-11-09 08:42 pm


well today's been shit.

- - -
it kinda occured to me that our now 45th (ew)(EW) is all the bad qualities and worse history of America rolled up into one orange flake of skin. i mean, i kinda knew that all along, but the phrasing of such a sentiment hit me today.

- - -
also, a lot of people on campus - and people i KNOW - are obviously upset by this, a few cried, and who can blame them?
me, i just felt - still do actually. just a deep slow burn where my heart should be but now feels hollowed out. and it's a gentle ache of flames, like a low kindling fire, buried in my chest, and there's warmth but also a coolness. a cold anger.
a part of me didn't believe in the goodness of people, not exactly, but in the logic of people. for them to see the bigger picture. i still believe Clinton is the smart choice, but maybe i don't see the picture as clear as i need to. but at least i know droves of people - diverse crowds of people that are innocent and compassionate - wouldn't be crying, questioning their safety. i know people would be on edge whoever won, but at least with Clinton, those people pissed wouldn't question their safety. not so many.
but i forgot. the founding fathers hadn't, but i did. people and the majority: fickle and impulsive they are, watching their own skins and accidentally setting their world on fire.

- - -
p. s. im gonna miss obama's face and biden's gorgeous smile
javaink: (Default)
2016-11-08 03:17 pm


I just watched the two latest episodes of Scream Queens, 2.3 & 2.4, so spoilers-

You think I'm scared of a giant booger? )
so those are my scrambled thoughts. not much too them, but i needed to vent/gush a little.
javaink: (like no other)
2016-11-05 01:09 am


i don't think i like nanowrimo.
i was a dumb, and on the 31st i impulsively made an account for nanowrimo, willingly ignoring the fact that i don't have a story planned! i have maybe a couple i could TRY to do, but none i'm feeling too cozy with? none i'm feeling inspired by?
now it's five days later and the anxiety to write and start a novel on there nibbles at the bottom of my stomach, and if i think too hard about it - which means, longer than 30 seconds - i start feeling guilty! hard-pressed to write! and i don't think that works for me, at least not now. i-
this past summer, when i was working hard on my Greek summer courses, i was thinking of doing summer camp nano. my sister was going to do it, she needed a distraction. she had read a siren book, and she was inspired to write about mermaids. me, i love sirens, and mermaids, and sirens, sirens, sirens. bird or fish kind. sirens are one of my favorite mythical creatures. so of course, when she said she wanted to do that, my mind exploded with some ideas. a small plot in mind, but not one that i couldn't flesh out, stretch out into book form. people do it all the time in ya.
needless to say, i started taking notes in a small pocket journal, but i didn't get far. again, Greek courses. INTENSE Greek courses. i needed to finish them in time for the fall semester and i had started late, so my classes were bunched up together, one on top of the other, i felt awful and stressed.
so no summer nano for me.
but that's the only one i would maybe want to do? i have an idea that stems from my sims 2 game, one of the families where there are a shit ton of alien-abduction babies and all angst and maybe i would throw in an alien invasion and resistance. but- no inspiration, not now.
and it's not helping that i left that small pocketbook at home, home which is TEXAS and i am NOT in Texas.

- - -
Ha, the mention of Texas reminds me of a thing that happened in my Short Story class today. eh, tomorrow.
(i WILL write it tomorrow, i swear, this isn't exploration, this is a happy thing, kinda)
javaink: (i need to do something with my hands)
2016-11-05 12:48 am

PINS pt. ii

you know, i said tomorrow, but here i am, five days later.
and i don't think i can do it. the feeling isn't gone, but i'm not going back. does anyone do that? try to regurgitate old feelings just for the sake of exploring them?
what did i just ask?
that's all writing is, isn't it? exploring.
well, sometimes i just can't deal, so i won't.
so no real PINS pt. ii? maybe some other day.
but i won't hold my breath.

- - -
on a separate note, i have to read Tolstoy's "Kholstomer" for Russian Culture, and then i need to go through some of the books i checked out from the library for my research paper. i'm shakey on my topic, and hopefully i found good books. i'm hoping to compare Pushkin's poetry to Baratynsky's poetry and MAYBE how they influenced one another. i don't know, but i'm intimidated and a little excited. in my freshman seminar class (a year ago, now), my research paper was on the Mexicano/Nuhautal poetry, and that was so interesting! i actually kinda fell in love with their poetry, and even better! i found an English translator! that was able to keep their trochaic meter! but of course, there's always pitfalls to translations, and their poetry was always accompanied by dance and music, so that's . . . lost on readers and to us now, kind of, but i was very pleased. gah, that was so interesting to research. my paper was a mess, and i mean a GIANT mess, and i procrastinated on it, but i loved what i found.
i'm hoping i'll love what i find here on Pushkin and Baratynsky too. i hope it'll be as interesting. i doubt it, but i hope to be entertained. so far i know i really like Pushkin's stuff - again, i LOVED Onegin - and i liked his short stories and the Bronze Horseman that we read in class, so i'm banking on that.

- - -
i wanted to write tonight, but i don't know on what. maybe i'll just read. my friday's been pretty boring. both my friends were studying hard, and we didn't have a movie planned like we normally do on friday's, so i was stuck in my room. i finished season 2 of HTGAWM. wow. no words. just tears. i was crying when Annalise's baby- yeah.
otherwise boring. i need to learn what to do on night's like these. make a "me time" ritual, because what i've got now isn't cutting it.
javaink: (i need to do something with my hands)
2016-10-31 02:37 am

PINS pt. i

do you ever find yourself beautiful? but then in a moment it's gone. or maybe you're wearing something you love, and you feel amazing, but you doubt if you really do look as awesome as you feel. sometimes i'm struck with a thought: maybe i am beautiful. sometimes i like my hands, and in an instant i find a way to not. i don't know.
- - -

i got to ep11 of season 1 of How to Get Away With Murder. amazing. but i had to stop once Analise's sister-in-law showed up. i was done with how many bombs were dropped on me tonight. i exited out of netflix before the next episode could play.
i looked back down at my Greek translation i had been "working on" while i watched. i has only one fourth into the first paragraph of two. i put Marina's "Can't Pin Me Down" on repeat as i sat in the dark trying to do this relatively short translation. and then my stomach started shaking, and my breathing feels like those damn butterflies are trying to migrate out of my stomach, and this isn't as bad as it sounds, but i know it's the song, and my self loathing, and my obsessive thinking of a certain person that i want to tear out of my mind - it's those that are causing my discomfort. as i translate, i think of person, of how tired i am, of how awake i am, and of how my roommate gets to sleep cozily behind me. i half-way waited for her to return to our room tonight so we could translate together, but she came back at around 11:30 already done with all her homework. oh well. it was no set promise, only a mutual realization we were both having a better time working together. but it's alright. it IS alright. i just hate Greek more than i thought i would, and i half-way blame the professor. i also blame Greek, but only because i'm already in love with Russian. i walk to Greek class and i feel the life draining out of me. i'm mostly burned out, and mostly done with the class. it doesn't help that i'm awful at studying. why am i like this - i want to learn, but i can't force myself to do it. no discipline. a fake. ah, well-
oh shit, i think she work up behind me. my typing probably.
i was going to talk of other things, but i think i'm done.
i have a partial cafe mocha sitting on my desk in a grande Starbucks cup, and it pleases me aesthetically? i'm so pretentious. also i don't like cafe mocha's. should've gotten a cafe latte.

- - -
oh i wanted to talk about my feelings Marina's song dragged up, but with how late it is- tomorrow.
javaink: (i can't explain)
2016-10-24 04:44 pm


the second half of that title is only relevant in this way: I want to read Chaucer. I need to read Chaucer. I've heard Chaucer is difficult, but lately in my classes and some circles of friends literature has come up and the flow and transformation of languages and Chaucer was one of the ones mentioned. Old English is Beowulf (hardly readable), Chaucer is Middle (kind of readable, difficult), & Shakespeare is Modern English (not our type of modern, but modern as in it's still readable, easily readable to us). I've had a copy of the Cantaberry Tales sitting on my bookshelf at home for a good year or two, and I've only opened it once. But now I want to and now I'm at university. On that note, I want to reread Onegin. Dammit I love Onegin. And I'll be reading Gogol's The Nose pretty soon! I think I just miss having a literature class. They killed me with their papers, but I loved the literature. This semester I opted out on having a lit class because last semester I had two at the same time, and that was nearly a nightmare. Bad, but could've been worse. I wanted a break, so no lit classes this semester. It was probably for the best, but sometimes this semester feels stale. Right now I have four books stacked next to my bed, and I can barely open one. I crawl into bed and I can't read. Last night, I started too, but not for long. It was already 1 AM, and I couldn't force myself to keep reading. It was a borrowed book, Cyrano de Bergerac, and I'm only on Sc. 2! Oh well.
I have some fanfiction that I'm thinking of posting soon. One tiny little drabble, but I think I have a little inspiration to give it a little more life, one more scene. I had planned to expand this drabble, but it was based on an early episode of Inuyasha that I had not finished - I watched half the episode, inspiration struck, I wrote down my draft for the fic, then watched the rest of the episode and realized that my idea was MAJORLY NOT A THING THAT WOULD BE CANON. But I was able to sit down and write the opening scene, and it needs work, but I won't touch it because I actually like it, even if it does seem like one of those pretentious fics. I can't describe it, but it feels out of place and . . . melodramatic. Oh well. MAYBE I will post it. I'm indecisive and forgetful.

Today I was hit with a giant wave of nostalgia and loss. Not the physical loss, but- do you ever think of who you could have been, if you had the resources and time and patience and diligence and etc., who you could be, right at this moment, if things had gone differently? I'm assuming there's a resounding yes to that question. It's regret, but not regret you could exactly control, just regret that you couldn't go through with who you wanted to be because you had no control. So not a loss of life or someone dear, but a loss of who you dreamed to be?
Lately, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, before my Russian class at 3, after lunch at 12, I go up to the university library, the fourth floor, to this room that I can usually count on to be open. Our university library is kind of like two merged libraries, and this half of the library you can only access on the fourth floor and all the open study rooms have chalk boards, not dry erase boards like the fancier, upgraded other half. I love this room, room 400. I love how smooth the board is, how the table isn't too wide, how mainly the room is open after 1 and I can sneak in and use it. No one rents the room, so I'm never kicked out. At least, not yet anyway. And since it's a chalkboard, the chalk is provided, and since it's in the library, there's usually fresh chalk or at least pieces that are long enough to hold onto, not little nubs. I go in here and study my Russian before class, fill the board with vocab terms I need to practice and cram. If I need to practice saying sentences out loud, I write some of the key terms on the board and have enough room to pace around, saying them over and over again. I get dizzy sometimes, but it works.
So I'm writing the terms on this board, and the board is so smooth, and I look down at my hands at some point, notice the chalk dusted on them, and I think "Ha, I think my personal aesthetic is now chalk and chalkboards." I used to hate chalkboards, but now I love writing on them. Instantly it was like a punch to the gut once I thought it- or no, like a sudden tug in my stomach. "My aesthetic" refers to how on Tumblr, on the fandom side, you can constantly come across "aesthetic posts" for some character or show or movie, and it'll be abstract images of half faces, clothes, objects, whatever that match the subject. They're usually quite pretty, the ones that are spread around. So I was thinking of my own "aesthetic post," or "mood board" is what they're actually called. One of my pictures would be of chalk. And as previously mentioned, that thought hurt.
I used to be a gymnast when I was little. I loved it. I loved tumbling, the pit, kind of the vault, rarely the beam, and my dad loves to tell how fast I'd climb the rope, a three inch thick rope (or more in my memory! but then back then I had such small hands) hanging from the two storied ceiling. They'd have us climb up and down those ropes, and we'd be careful not to get rope burns but sometimes you couldn't help it, coming down with small burns on the insides of our feet's arches and hands' corners. We'd race up and down them, proud to reach the orange tagged top and to climb back down, counting the knots as we went.
The bars were one of my favorite things, and I always was excited to go on them, but as time went on, we rarely approached them. But I remember bathing my hands in the chalk bowls, getting ready for them & then us trying to avoid being scolded for putting too much on. I remember watching the older girls (the true athletes! the ones i'd look up to, so strong and swift and serious) snap from bar to bar and wanting to do the same. Instead, we went to the beams more, used the chalk for that - though my memory might be fuzzy here, I can't remember if chalk is used for that.
And then, I made a friend! One that I might continue to see each week on Thursdays. And then, that same day,I stood at the counter with my mom as she unregistered me from the program. A two week break, she called it. I understood we needed to save money right now, just for a while. And then I never went back to gymnastics. Every time I watch gymnastics, like at the Olympics, I feel a little pang, engulfed in nostalgia and regret.
I wish I had stayed with gymnastics, even if all it would be was an intensive hobby, but I know that wasn't possible.
javaink: (not today satan)
2016-10-14 07:15 pm


ha, i was feelin like posting YESTERDAY, but i stared at the screen a good five minutes, thinking "yeeeh getting my study on" and then nothing. it's fine. now i'm kind of studying?
i'm going through some submissions for my internship, so i'm ahead of schedule! or right on schedule? you're not supposed to do them the night before they're due, so i guess for once i'm doing it right? i'm reading through them all, which is a MISTAKE but i haven't felt the need to stop reading some even if they suck, so not too much of a mistake.
for my other internship i met with my adviser, who is also the head of this internship, and we got some shit done, going through some submissions together. she showed me some of the ropes, and i just have to finish the other things she told me to do. we're in no rush though, so i don't feel too stressed about it.

today i had two language midterms and honestly i could have done better but i'm positive i passed both so that's what matters. i was stressed though, let me tell you. Greek and Russian, by the way. i've heard plenty of people say Russian is one of the hardest languages (as English speakers) but honestly Ancient Greek is kicking my ass. that's not an easy language OR class. i started with Russian last year, and Greek this year, so i'm more comfortable with Russian than Greek anyway. Russian is more personal to me, and it's probably because i started it first and my grandfather spoke it, so it has more sentimental value to me than Greek. i'm sure if i had flipped them, i'd be leaning more towards Greek. but Russian also has the plus that it'd not a dead language. it's immediately accessible to me and my life, i can express myself better, and i can better write it since i'm actually learning how to use the language, not just understand it. there is a major difference between learning dead and living languages. but then again, you can always try to teach people dead languages like you do living languages, but none of my professors in the past or present have decided to do that. i could try on my own, but already with my workload, it's too much effort. i'm also not passionate enough to do that - i mean, i love languages, but i'm not that passionate of a person, you know? i don't have that ENERGY. i don't have enough emotional energy to even write - the thing i most love doing along with reading - more than i do, so i definitely don't have the energy to study my languages more. how sad, but it is what it is, i am what i am.

my plants aren't doing so well. soon i'm going to move them to my desk because WINTER IS COMING, but in the meantime they're still on my window sill, begging for sun from my north-facing window. i'm sorry, babies. my elephant bush is shriveling, that poor thing. my one at home is fine though, so there's that! i shouldn't have split them up, but uhhhh- i need to stop regretting it. in fact, i have, i've accepted it, but then i remind myself.

my friend, my only classmate in Russian, invited me to go to Chipotle with her. she was really craving it. i've heard good and bad things about it, and honestly, i think it's one step down from Qdoba, and i'm not sure if she's tried that. she should, because it's better. way better. Chipotle doesn't even have QUESO, WHAT MONSTERS. they have guac, sure, but only because they'd have an UPRISING on their hands and they'd never sell a thing again. they don't even have the "cheese dip" or "nacho cheese" other places sell. what losers. it was an alright meal, better than my awful lunch sandwich from our uni's coffee shop, and the burrito was okay. they just had the NARROWEST of options! but then again, i've been to Qdoba and Freebirds. i told her about Freebirds, which she had never heard of, and looking it up, yep that sounds accurate because it's mainly only found in California and Texas with a few of them scattered in the Midwest. she missin out. we went to get donuts afterwards - she to cheer her boyfriend up and then me for my friend Katie who's busy studying. i got her donut holes, and maybe stole one. no. i definitely ate one. even though their hotlight wasn't on, the lady at the front immediately handed us fresh glazed donuts. so sweet. the lady and the donut! but yes, a dozen holes, and Katie wasn't at her door immediately when i knocked! i came back an hour later, and she was there! she was so glad. i told her to heat them up, wished her happy studying, and left. Katie's always really generous, so i wanted to take a page out of her book. they didn't cost much anyway.

alright, i think i'm gonna go watch some anime (either rewatch kyoukai no kanata or finish hyouka. i really need to finish hyouka. i've stopped watching anime, but i was really wanting to watch these. a little nostalgic). maybe read a few submissions. play sims. draft my short story. who knows.
javaink: (what am i doing with my life)
2016-10-06 03:54 pm


(so i think with last [private] entry's post, this is definitely going to be a half-journal thing)
can i just say that i love Fun.? even when i grow uncomfortable if i pay attention to that one song because it feel sacrilegious. it's just so GOOD but sacrilegious wow. anyway, i'm blasting (kinda? i turned it down a bit to focus better but still loud enough i can hear the singing while i too sing loudly) Aim and Ignite while i'm going through these submissions for my uni's literary journal. oh i love being a slush reader. i also HATE IT. but it's fun and feels so official! yes, that small thing does give me joy. too bad i'm not paid for this, but hey, school internship, whaddya expect. nothing. expect nothing good, and then get pleasantly surprised by good things! that show up! finally! anyway, so i'm doing that. i have eight more to go through before they're due by 6 P.M. tomorrow, but i'll be traveling back home (!) by then, since 12, SO I GOTTA FINISH TONIGHT. And pack. and do homework for the classes i AM going to tomorrow.

today i had a 16-24 lined Blank Verse due, and i got it done 15 minutes before class! i woke up at 7 to finish it! i had gotten about 10 lines done the night before? it's a little crappy, but i'm a little proud of it? i liked the start but then i got into this ice-skating analogy and it feels like it fell apart. but i liked my finish, i wrote that part last night, even though it's not particularly strong. i'm just proud i had an ending i liked. i don't like the title tooooo much but it fit so i did it. "Polyglot Wannabe". i tried writing about that awful feeling of being surrounded by a foreign language - like being in another country - that you thought you might have studied enough but your listening comprehension is APPARENTLY CRAP. you know . . . with that description, i feel like my poem could've been 100% more funny/self-deprecating but instead it takes itself a little too serious. not too too serious just not nervously funny as it could be. maybe i'll try again.
but last night i got nowhere near done with my Russian Culture reading (about folk music at this point). i thought i could? i was awake while writing my poem, felt my creative energies shut down, and said to myself "okayyy now it's time to read, i can definitely stay up and finish it i am v determined look how awake i am now." i got out my book and started falling asleep three pages in. welp. so i put that away and went to sleep. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. i also needed to finish my Russian homework that's due Friday but i needed to turn it in TODAY because i won't be able to make class on Friday. my Russian teacher is my same teacher for Russian Culture, so he said to just hand it in to him on Thursday's class. no big deal. i also ALSO had to turn in our video script for Russian on that same day. the script has to fill at least two minutes, and i hope i did that? but after intro to poetry, i only have about two hours and twenty minutes till RussCulture? that's not bad for my Russian assignments, i got those done just in time! right at one! i was shaking from the coffee and nerves, though i was v calm. (also, on another note, i think i'm started to see the appeal of being attracted to guy's who are the same height as you? and i'm 5'1 so- whatever, moving on). but yeah, i had twenty pages to read for RussCulture and each of those pages were two pages on them, small text? not happening. so it didn't happen. but i got through class! that's the good thing about the class, you can get through it if you didn't finish the reading.
so yeah. why am i like this, procrastinating so bad that i'm crammed for time? i didn't start homework till ten last night! WHY AM I LIKE THIS.

but now that's all done. i just have to do my stuff for tonight, and right now i am pretty chill. i ate my breakfast sandwich thirty minutes ago that i five hours ago. i'm still working on my coffee because i figured i should save a little for slush-reading. and look at that! i did!
okay Barlights by Fun. came on, my fave by them, so bye now.
javaink: (hello.)
2016-09-28 05:25 pm


Wow, I've had this account for a year and nothing has come of it. Wow.
No, really, I do want to do something with it, but what? Okay. Okay.
Thoughts -
1. diary (who would want to hear about me? maybe just short accounts of how i feel/blah?)
2. rants/reviews on things i've read
3. music talk except that wouldn't do it'd just be a lot of "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
4. i really like literary rants
5. some fics i've written except that's not many and none of them get anywhere. they're just chunks of things i probably won't finish?
6. tv show/movie/media rants/feelings, though that wouldn't be many
7. some fiction/non-fiction i've written that i won't ever feel like publishing? or maybe some poems?
8. some sims stuff? i play ts2, 4, and now 1.

I should probably read around on different journals, get a feel for the different types, and go from there, see what I want to become.
I got a tumblr and I'm on that a lot, but I still really like this place, even though I'm new, and I like how - intimate it feels? You have to search to find people and even then - you might not see everything. It's all reading, not just visuals, and it takes time. I like something like that.
Okay, well I'm off to be productive. My letter to one of my best friends is three (3!) weeks late and I have a test tomorrow. До свидания!
javaink: (i'm not crying you're crying)
2016-01-31 06:33 pm


I NEED to get this playlist out, it's been sitting on my Spotify for months, literally a year by now, and I haven't been able to share it because I don't own all the songs so I can't put it on 8tracks. But now I need a small break from Prose Edda and just finally share this playlist on this quiet account that I've done nothing with so far.
Senior year, AP Lit, we read Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Hardy. Great book, great to throw around your room in rage and crying because come on. Tess's life sucks and she's a beautiful angel that deserves nothing and she makes shit decisions and can only half-read people. Of course her eventual husband, Angel, is a whole other bag of rage and love. I MADE THIS TWO PART PLAYLIST TO DEAL WITH FEELS. Also the songs hit me and I'm like "IT'S THEM". So here it is.
Part i is in no particular order, just going by sound, whereas I tried my hardest to put Part ii in chrono order. Bonus is not canon at all, but it's my own response to the book.
*warning: LOTS of mumford & sons. And repeated artists. I'm sorry.*

Part i - "what they should have been"
1. i want to know your plans - say anything
2. i'll believe in anything - wolf parade
3. young and beautiful - lana del rey
4. touches you - MIKA
5. smiling swine - the dear hunter
6. not with haste - mumford & sons
7. the war within - churchill

Part ii - "what they are"
1. dream #1 - elton john
2. all this and heaven too - florence + the machine
3. tightrope (acoustic) - walk the moon
4. holland road - mumford & sons
5. hardest of hearts - florence + the machine
6. change - churchill
7. we used to wait - arcade fire
8. lover's eyes - mumford & sons
(BONUS) all men are pigs - studio killers
javaink: (Default)
2015-10-05 10:13 am
Entry tags:


I found out a week ago that there's a musical based on Alexander Hamilton. HAMILTON. I was/am ecstatic when I found out, but I was writing a paper when that happened and I couldn't watch it. Two days after that I had ANOTHER [crappy] paper to write.
NO MORE PAPERS TO WRITE (currently). (it is midterms though)
I will watch it soon IM SO EXCITED.
(i could, but i won't? it's difficult?)
But first I have to finish Starkid's "ANI" parody musical, then I'm all Hammy's.