21 March 2017

javaink: (not today satan)
So it turned out that Monday was amazing. You know how everyone always complains and hates on Mondays? Not so for me. Monday blew me away, favored me till it the sun went down and the day was done.
That 3 page paper? Finished within 2-3 hours. "That's . . . great? Not something to brag about? Why are you so happy?" you might say.
And I'd respond, "Oh I don't know, because I overthink EVERYTHING, and 3 page papers TURN INTO ALL-NIGHTERS WHEN THEY ARE ONLY. THREE. PAGES." It's true. In that first semester of Freshmen year, in my lit class, all the paper were 3 pages. All of them needed an all-nighter for me to complete. How ridiculous is that? It's outrageous, and I hate my brain for that, but it's what I am. Instead, on Monday morning - because that night I just could NOT write, could not stick or think through one simple thing - I got up early, slept in a little bit? I meant to get up at 6 30 AM, couldn't do it, rose at 7 30. Started writing at 8, got done at 9 50, ten minutes before my first class 10. I had no time between Greek Prose (that 10 AM class) and Digital Media Writing to work on it because the paper was due at 12! The end of Digital Media, which starts at 11! And yet I finished the paper? I'm so proud. I mean, it wasn't good, but I did good. I couldn't stop smiling as I walked out of my dorm, repeating that phrase over and over in my head. It wasn't good, but I did good. A personal record. It was not up to par with my other papers, not even close, but . . . I'm over it. (Except for when I become mortally embarrassed when I have to sit down with my professor and talk it over, because he wants to do that with all of us, "the papers don't end after the deadline, let's keep working! let's continue this discussion!" like, blegh, ciri-- bae, blegh, let's nOt).

That day I also decided to wear what I wore for Beauty and the beast, jeans, my purple long sleeve crop top, and my cute sky blue crop sweater. Now, I know what you're thinking: so what? I'm there with you, I hate it when stories and writings talk about their wardrobe, like thanks for the visual, but so what? I'm over it! But this was important because I'm self-conscious about my belly. I'm not that overweight, not like those that are put down, but growing up in a household of a mother that constantly bemoaned how overweight she was, how embarrassed she was - my mother is confident and such a joy, and she's so badass, but I know she misses being smaller. Work and tiredness and raising three kids as a single parent - even when she was still married to my dad, that selfish ass! - and age have slowed her down. She used to dance. She used to be such an athlete, she loved it all. But she chose being an engineer over dancing because she wanted a family, and it hurts her, I think, in a way, that she's slowed down enough and busy so much that she can't stop and breathe. She has no energy, only enough to wistfully say how she needs to start dancing again.

Anyway, that's not- the point of this post. I'm insecure! About my body! Who isn't! My spot of most weakness is my belly, and I love the style of high waisted jeans and crop tops, crop sweaters ESPECIALLy. I love that shorted torso look, though sometimes it looks so 80s, I don't even care. I have both crop tops and sweaters, but I end up finding ways to cover my belly or covering the crop tops I love. I don't wear my skirts because of my legs. I need to get over this, but it's hard, and I don't have time to discipline myself. Not when I should be disciplining myself for school and forgetting dumb boys. BUT THIS PAST MONDAY (yesterday) I DECIDED TO SAY FUCK THAT SHIT, IMMA WEAR MY CUTE CROP SWEATER WITH MY JEANS AND IMMA LOOK GREAT WITH MY NEW HAIRCUT. And I did, and I felt fabulous. A little self-conscious when I sat down because my belly looks worse sitting down, but also because my underwear showed above my jeans when I did that and the crop top didn't stay down. I FELT GREAT THOUGH. I FELT CUTE. And the guy I need to forget because I don't even know him?? He walked by while I looked cute, don't think he saw me but I saw him and that was fine and he was with a girl, walking real close, that doesn't mean he's not gay, but it looked romantic-y and that was a smidge freeing. A smidge. Not entirely free, but close.

I also walked by this girl saying into her phone, "Boys are dumb." I said "True" real fast, and we both laughed as we walked farther away. I spoke my mind! Like what was that, did I drink a Felix Elixar from H Potter and have a magical day???? And one of my classes was cancelled, I did well in Greek Prose when called on, and I finished everything in time for Russian! And later that night, I had a light amount of reading, and I was excited to earn 30$ from my procturing gig I was to do tomorrow (which happened today and was a breeze, despite my anxiousness beforehand). My teacher needed someone to watch over one class taking their exam, he'd pay 30, which isn't much but neither is the job, and since I have no job this semester, I jumped on that. Literally it's not much, but I'm thankful all the same! I need to jump on opportunities more. Alsoa apparently Monday was the first day of Spring? It felt so good outside. I saw a play that night, and it was alright, but enjoyable. It was The Ruby Sunrise.

Today went well too, but Monday was SO enjoyable, a surprise. I also felt like I dressed great today too, so there's that.

- --
Gotta finish some stuff, but goodnight! I'm so happy.

- --
My Friday also might be looking amazing? But I learned today that one of my best friends might definitely be transferring from here because our college is too expensive, especially for how small it is. And it is small. I hate how small it is too, so I agree with her there. I just . . . hope our study abroad plans line up. We need to be in Europe together. We need the triangle to be complete.

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