31 October 2016

javaink: (i need to do something with my hands)
do you ever find yourself beautiful? but then in a moment it's gone. or maybe you're wearing something you love, and you feel amazing, but you doubt if you really do look as awesome as you feel. sometimes i'm struck with a thought: maybe i am beautiful. sometimes i like my hands, and in an instant i find a way to not. i don't know.
- - -

i got to ep11 of season 1 of How to Get Away With Murder. amazing. but i had to stop once Analise's sister-in-law showed up. i was done with how many bombs were dropped on me tonight. i exited out of netflix before the next episode could play.
i looked back down at my Greek translation i had been "working on" while i watched. i has only one fourth into the first paragraph of two. i put Marina's "Can't Pin Me Down" on repeat as i sat in the dark trying to do this relatively short translation. and then my stomach started shaking, and my breathing feels like those damn butterflies are trying to migrate out of my stomach, and this isn't as bad as it sounds, but i know it's the song, and my self loathing, and my obsessive thinking of a certain person that i want to tear out of my mind - it's those that are causing my discomfort. as i translate, i think of person, of how tired i am, of how awake i am, and of how my roommate gets to sleep cozily behind me. i half-way waited for her to return to our room tonight so we could translate together, but she came back at around 11:30 already done with all her homework. oh well. it was no set promise, only a mutual realization we were both having a better time working together. but it's alright. it IS alright. i just hate Greek more than i thought i would, and i half-way blame the professor. i also blame Greek, but only because i'm already in love with Russian. i walk to Greek class and i feel the life draining out of me. i'm mostly burned out, and mostly done with the class. it doesn't help that i'm awful at studying. why am i like this - i want to learn, but i can't force myself to do it. no discipline. a fake. ah, well-
oh shit, i think she work up behind me. my typing probably.
i was going to talk of other things, but i think i'm done.
i have a partial cafe mocha sitting on my desk in a grande Starbucks cup, and it pleases me aesthetically? i'm so pretentious. also i don't like cafe mocha's. should've gotten a cafe latte.

- - -
oh i wanted to talk about my feelings Marina's song dragged up, but with how late it is- tomorrow.

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javaink

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